Dia - Lima Puluh Dua - Akhir

L

ima Puluh Dua

Truth to be told, I felt like shit. Seriously, I wished that I could just stay on bed, doing nothing but hiding under the blanket and hoping that it was just another vivid nightmare from Stocrin. Yeah, I pinched my left arms and it hurts... it hurts like hell... i wonder, and i keep on wondering, if it will actually stop...

To tell you the truth, I have a strong feeling who did this. Yeah, I don’t have to be a seer or rocket scientist to find out who that person was. But, what baffled me the most was, for what? What would be the reason that drives his this far... You know what, I don’t give a damn on what his reason would be. It would be just a waste of time, and energy, and certainly he doesn’t deserve my attention at all. The bean has been spilled, and all I can do is see how it goes, then only I should plan my way out of this mess.

Selimut yang menyelubungi ku ku selak, lantas ku bingkas bangun dan mencapai kotak rokok dunhill yang tersedia di atas meja. Kunyalakan sebatang sebelum aku yang hanya memakai boxer brief berwarna dark grey bergerak menuju ke peti sejuk untuk mengambil segelas susu sebelum ke balkoni. Langit masih lagi gelap, namun, di penghujung sana kelihatan bibit cahaya matahari yang perlahan menerangi suasana. Kulihat kebawah, lampu-lampu jalan masih lagi bernyala, menunggu masa untuk di padamkan. Kereta yang kelihatan kecil dari sini bergerak dari satu arah ke arah yang lain. Kepulan asap dari rokok di jariku seakan-akan menari-nari, tanpa irama yang mengiringinya...

Aku akui, kadang-kala aku ingin lari dari semua ini... ingin sahaja aku pergi jauh dari segala hiruk-pikuk kehidupan yang menggamatkan. Namun, untuk berlari ke mana, aku tidak tahu kemana harus kaki ku bawa. Jiwa dan mindaku seakan-akan senantiasa berperang untuk mengambil alih kesedaranku. Acap kali jiwaku berbisik, aku harus pergi jauh, pergi ke suatu tempat yang mana tiada siapa mengetahui namaku, kisah hidup ku, mahupun menyedari akan kehadiranku. Ya, at times, I was tempted to do that. Namun, mindaku sering kali menyanggah akan bisikan hatiku. Tiada sebab untuk aku lari dari semua ini. Ini bukan kehendakku dan ini tidak akan menyelesaikan apa-apa. Lagipun, jika aku menuruti kata hati, jika aku lari dan pergi dari sini, itu hanyalah menunjukan yang aku bersalah.

“Hey.” Kedengaran suara Zach, aku menoleh kebelakang, kelihatan Zach bersandar di antara ruang sliding door dan dinding yang ku tinggalkan terbuka seketika tadi.

“You’re up early.” Tambah Zach lagi.

“Yeah.” Balasku pendek.

“Can’t sleep, huh?”

“A little.”

“So... you wanna talk about it?”

“About what?”

“Anything.”

“I don’t think I have anything to talk about.”

“Ok.”

Setelah beberapa ketika tiada sebarang kata yang keluar dari mulut kami, aku menghulurkan kotak rokok ku kepada Zach, “Cigg?”

“Sure.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Actually, I do.”

“And yet you’re still standing here.”

“Not about your status.”

“Then, about what?”

“About this, whole, storm in a tea cup. I’m surprised, I’m disgusted. To think that I would be in the middle of this, this, this, hatred and discrimination in 21st century.”

“In case you’re wondering, living in the 21st century doesn’t guarantee the entire humanity behaved that way.”

“Ironic, isn’t it? A stupid one on top.”

“Welcome to the real world.”

“So, what’s next?”

“Let’s just ride the flow, for now.”

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Aku sedang menyediakan test case untuk sistem yang sedang di bina apabila suatu mesej whatsapp masuk.

“Not coming to the meeting?” mesej dari Zach.

“What meeting?”

“The project management meeting. Didn’t you get the email yesterday from Jason?”

“Nope.”

“I’ll ask him. We are still waiting for several people anyway. I’ll let you know.”

It’s been 20 minutes. Nothing. Tiada sebarang berita dari Zach. Mataku sedari tadi tidak beralih dari screen monitor komputer ku yang menunjukan paparan Team Foundation Server. Tangan kiriku mencapai mug dan lantas, ku halakan ke mulut. Herm, air kopi dah habis. Aku bingkas bangun dan menuju ke pantry. Namun, langkah aku terhenti. Pelik, ikutkan kata Zach, itu project management meeting. Tapi, aku seorang sahaja yang di sini. Mana yang lain? Even mereka yang bekerja untuk project lain tiada di tempat masing-masing. I wonder...

Kelihatan mereka yang lain keluar dari meeting room sewaktu aku berjalan ke mejaku dari pantry. Zach menuju kearahku. Mukanya merah padam. Riak wajahnya agak marah.

“What happened? You look pissed.” Kataku kepada Zach.

“I can’t believed what happened just now. It was absurd.”

“Oi bloke, what happened just now?”

“They talked as if they knew everything. As if they are the victims. And worst of all, they claimed it was all facts.”

Aku menggenggam kedua belah bahu Zach, lantas, “Tell. Me. What. Happen. Nothing else.”

“Sorry. They were discussing about....” belum sempat Zach menghabiskan ayatnya, aku terdengar namaku di panggil.

“Ezra, I need you in the meeting room.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“Sure, give me a second.”

“I need you now.”

Aku duduk di meja meeting bersama-sama beberapa yang lain. Mr. Jason HOD ku, Mr. Faez project manager, Mr. Norsham HR manager dan juga Mr. Omar, deputy director kami. Somehow, I felt like I’m having my job interview with all these people sitting right in front of me at this moment.

“You must be wondering why we are all here with you. I hope you didn’t take this personally because for me, I don’t see a point for this conversation.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“And I don’t see a point for that last part of what you just said, Jason.” Tambah Mr. Faez.

“Can you both cut your crap and get to the point. I don’t have much time to waste on this.” Bentak Mr. Omar.

“Very well then. It has come to our attention, that a certain rumour is circulating among all the workers here. Unfortunately, this rumour puts everyone on their edge and we have to put an end to this, uneasiness. I believed that you are aware about this, rumour, that we are referring to.” Kata Mr. Jason lagi.

Aku hanya mengangguk kepalaku.

“Just to be clear, to make sure that we are on the same page, can you tell us what is this rumour all about?” Sampuk Mr. Norsham pula.

Aku memandang genggaman tanganku yang berada di atas meja di hadapanku buat seketika. “It’s about my health status.”

“Be more specific, on the health status.” Mr. Omar bersuara sekali lagi.

“My HIV status.”

“And what do you have to say about it?”

“It’s, half truth.”

“And which part of that, rumour, is the truth?”

“That I’m HIV positive. And it seems that, that statement puts everyone on edge.”

“Indeed. And what about the other half of this rumour, or should I say, half truth?”

“That I’m spreading the virus to everyone? I have yet to recalled anyone whom I passed it to.”

“So you were saying that, that is a lie?”

“Yes.” Balasku.

“And that is the reason we are all here. Faez, you are his immediate superior. What do you have to say with regards to his performance?”

“Mr. Omar, Ezra has been performing well.”

“But it has come to my attention that several months ago, he had close to a week of MCs, in a row, several time on top.” Kata Mr. Norsham pula.

“And what do you have to say about that, Ezra?”

“I was just started on meds at that time, and the side effects wasn’t been so kind on me. Though I must say that it was a thing on the past.”

“How sure of you that it won’t happen again? That this side effects of yours will not be, a problem?”

“I can assure you of that.”

“Can you say it with 100% surety?”

“Can you?”

“I can’t, with 100% surety.”

“Mr. Omar, everyone, it would be unfair for us to expect Ezra to be 100% certain of the future. I don’t think no one in this room can be certain on what’s going to happen later on.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“Jason, I’m sure you understand that his, his, performance issue is just 90% of the reason why we are all here. We still haven’t talk about the remaining 10%, which is the most important part of this conversation.”

“And what would that remaining 10% be?” tanyaku.

“It appears that, most of the people here, would rather not, work with you. Or should I say, afraid, and uncomfortable.”

“Though I must say that I’m not quite understand the reason why would they have that sentiment, it doesn’t strike me as a surprise.”

“They threatened to quit. All of them.”

“I’m sure we can talk to them on this. Some sort like HIV awareness campaign or something.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“Jason, you were in the meeting just now. You knew they are serious.”

“And what is your take on that?” tanyaku kepada Mr. Omar.

“I would rather lose a worker, rather than a whole bunch of them.”

“So, am I fired?”

“No, you are not. But, I will have you resign, immediately.” Balas Mr. Omar.

“Of course, with 6 months salary of compensation.”

“You know Mr. Omar, I could sue you, you, you and the company for discrimination, and wrongful dismissal.”

“You know you wouldn’t do it.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because that would bring too much attention to yourself. And of course, to your future too.”

“And what makes you think that I care about that? When I am humiliated in such a poor manner? And do you think that I don’t have the qualification and skills to work with other, non-discriminating company?”

“It seems 6 months salary is not enough for you. What about 9 months?”

“A year, on top of this month’s. Nothing less. Straight to my bank account within 2 days.”

“And you will not charge us?”

“If, and only if I receive the amount that I mentioned  within 2 days.”

“I will make sure of that, for our sake.”

“If that is all, I will take my leave.” Kataku lantas bingkas bangun.

“Ezra, I’m sorry for all these. And good luck for your future.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“Thanks Mr. Jason. It’s been great knowing you.”

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Sudah lebih dua tahun selepas aku meninggalkan bumi Malaysia. Selepas apa yang terjadi dahulu, kurasakan lebih baik untuk aku mengikut kata hati yang lara dan pergi jauh. Melarikan diri, mungkin. Patah hati, mungkin. Mencari ketenangan diri, mungkin. Di sini, tiada siapa yang menoleh memandang serong terhadapku. Tiada siapa yang berkata kurang enak di belakangku. Tiada siapa yang mengambil kisah akan kehadiranku. Perhatian, masa dan tenaga ku di tumpukan untuk menghabiskan pelajaran di peringkat Master. Akhirnya, satu lagi hajatku tercapai. Mungkin, kebetulan itu suatu yang telah tersurat bahawa masa telah tiba untuk aku memenuhi keinginan hati.

Aku akui, kadang kala hati ini terdetik untuk pulang. Sudah terlalu lama aku tidak bersua muka dengan mereka yang begitu bermakna di dalam hidupku. Abang Kamahl, nenek, Joe dan yang lain-lain. Namun, senantiasa aku mengendahkan rasa hatiku, mengeraskan benak perasaanku, kerana aku tidak bersedia untuk kembali ke sana. Aku dan abang Kamahl kerap kali berhubungan melalui Skype. Itu syarat yang diberikan kepadaku apabila aku tidak lelah mengatakan tidak kepada persoalan bila aku mahu pulang. Pernah juga dia meminta kebenaranku untuk datang menziarahi, namun, entahlah.

Aku rindukan Khai. Mungkin, aku sedikit mementingkan diri apabila mengambil keputusan ini sendirian. Namun, aku bersyukur aku mengambil keputusan ini. Aku kini lebih matang, tabah dan kuat untuk menghadapi kehidupan yang penuh dugaan dan cabaraan. Keputusan aku untuk meninggalkan segala memori kami bersama di sana, kadang-kadang mencabar ketabahan hatiku. Namun, itulah jalan yang aku pilih, dan aku senang sekarang. Namun, memori itu tetap segar di dalam fikiranku. Setiap saat, kehangatan sentuhanya, kemanisan senyumanya dan bait-bait katanya, tidak pernah aku lupakan. Aku tidak lagi sedih apabila memori itu memutuskan untuk menjengah ke fikiran ku. Aku tahu, dia tetap di hatiku.

Mereka hadir di dalam diriku. Ada yang hanya berlalu pergi seperti mana mereka datang, ada yang singgah sebentar memberikan sebuah erti. Dia hadir di dalam hidupku, mengubah hidupku, mencorak hidupku, menyinari jiwaku. Kini dia telah pergi. Tetapi dia tetap bertakhta di hatiku.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Jonathan. We are about to begin descending so please remain seated and fasten your seatbelt. The weather in Kuala Lumpur International Airport is bright sunny. For those who are coming back to Kuala Lumpur, we wish you welcome back and for those who are here for the first time, welcome to Malaysia. On behalf of the crew, I would like to thank you for flying Malaysia Airlines, and we hope to see you again.”

~~Tamat~~

Dia - Lima Puluh Satu

L

ima Puluh Satu

“Your stare was holding,

Ripped jeans,

Skin was showing,

Hot night,

Wind was blowing,

Where you think you’re going baby, go” nyanyi ku sambil menepuk peha Zach, memberi isyarat untuk dia menyambung.

“Hey I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here’s my number,

So call me .... hahahahahaha.”

“Man, that was a cheesy song to sing together on a road trip.” Tambah Zach yang masih ketawa dan tidak dapat menghabiskan chorus lagu “Call me maybe” itu.

“What? And what’s wrong with a cheesy song anyway? It’s song of misfortune girl who happened to fall for a gay guy. And, both of us are gay. So, there’s nothing wrong about it.”

“Now that you put it that way, I’ll reckon that.”

Aku dan Zach di dalam perjalanan untuk ke Sepang, untuk mengikuti team building weekend anjuran pejabatku. Di sebabkan lokasi yang terletak tidak berapa jauh dari Lembah Klang, semua sepakat untuk memandu ke sana. Progam selama 3 hari 2 malam yang bermula hari ini akan berakhir pada Ahad tengah hari dengan hari ini, Jumaat di ishtiharkan sebagai cuti oleh bos. Kami sudahpun hampir tiba di destinasi yang di tuju dan di anggarkan dalam kami akan sampai didalam masa 30 minit.

“Nine wisky two uniform golf sierra, sila masuk, over. Nine wisky two foxtrot echo oscar.” Tiba-tiba handy yang terletak di sisi tempat duduk ku berbunyi. Aku lantas mencapai sebelum membalas panggilan yang di terima.

“Nine wisky two foxtrot echo oscar. Teruskan berita over.”

“Ada kenderaan awam di hadapan, dengan kelajuan anggaran 70 kilomitt, mohon untuk memotong, over.”

“Ok. Berita terima. Last car, mohon untuk ke lorong kanan, kita akan memotong, over.”

“Last car terima.”

“Last car, dah block ker?”

“Sekejap, ada kenderaan awam agak laju. Ok. Last car dah masuk.”

Selepas itu, satu persatu kereta di dalam konvoi kami masuk ke dalam lorong memotong dan terus memecut.

“Lead car di sini, kita akan kembali ke lorong kiri dan semua di minta untuk mengekalkan kelajuan 100 kilomitt tajam tajam. Di anggarkan dalam 20 minit lagi kita akan sampai ke destinasi.”

“Berita terima.” Balasku pendek. Disebabkan jumlah kenderaan yang mengikuti konvoi kami ini sebanyak 7 buah kereta, seorang officemate aku menyarankan kami untuk menggunakan radio walkie talkie untuk berhubung bagi memastikan perjalanan lancar. Namun di sebabkan tidak semua di antara kami yang mempunyai lesen untuk menggunakanya, hanya 4 buah kereta sahaja yang menggunakan. Kereta tersebut di selang-selikan dengan 3 buah kereta lagi yang tidak mempunyai walkie-talkie.

Kelihatan awan yang sedikit tebal di hujung pandangan, namun, pada hemat aku, hujan tidak akan turun untuk hari ini. perjalanan kami tidak suram dek kerana Zach yang tidak henti-henti bercakap sedari tadi. Kadang-kadang macam nak suruh diam pula, tapi ada baik nya juga agar aku tidak mengantuk. Radio sedang memutarkan lagu Adele apabila telefon aku berbunyi. Aku melihat ke screen, nombor yang tidak ku kenali. Aku berfikir untuk tidak menerima panggilan tersebut, namun, Zach kemudian memperlahankan radio sebelum bertanyakan samada aku tidak mahu menerima panggilan tersebut.

Lantas, aku menekan butang bluetooth headset ku. Hampir 5 saat kemudian, “Helo?” kataku.

“Finally, angkat juga kan. What’s keeping you from answering?” kata suara di hujung talian tersebut.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing much. Just wanna talk. Plus, I’ve been wondering why you’re ignoring my phone call.”

Tiada jawapan yang keluar dari mulutku.

“Now you’re keeping silent, eh. Just like how you’re keeping silent, about how infectious you are to everyone else. It won’t be long, trust me. Have a blast team building, ok. I’m sure you going to need that.”

“Fuck you.” Balasku perlahan.

“Awww, you wished honey. You wished.”

Aku mematikan panggilan telefon tersebut. Kotak Dunhill ku capai, sebatang rokok ku keluarkan sebelum di nyalakan.

“What’s up mate?”

“Nothing.”

Nampaknya siapa pun dia, he seems to know pretty much everything. I wonder if there are more than just 1 person. And I wonder if that other person happened to be in my circle. Gangguan yang aku terima semakin hari semakin agresif. Ini bukan kali pertama aku menerima panggilan seperti ini dari nombor yang tidak aku kenali. Sebelum ini, aku juga pernah menerima email bernada sama dari alamat email yang tidak aku kenali, dan apabila aku cuba untuk trace balik email tersebut, it’s a new email address. Not only that, setiap profile social media aku juga menerima nasib yang sama. Grindr, PR and such.

And it all started with this:

Pada mulanya aku hanya menyangkakan yang ia hanyalah satu impractical jokes, from someone whom I refused to have sex with. And I don’t really gave a damn about it at first since it didn’t bother me that much. Tapi bila dah sampai email, siap sampai dapat tahu phone number and all these hate phone calls and messages, that’s the last straw.

I have no problem with people knowing about my status. Yeah. But, I expect them to know about it from me myself, and when I want to tell them. Not like this definitely. And I don’t think that everyone else has to know about it. I mean, what for? There’s no reason for me to tell the whole world about it. I know how it’s transmitted, I know what I need to know to protect others, and I’m doing it. On top of that, I’ve always make sure that tell everyone that asked me out for drinks or anything about it. Just like what I did to Fareez previously. But, maybe, just maybe, it fired back to me, a bit.

Anyway, I have a feeling that this is not going to end, just like this. Something tells me that it’s going to be blown, out of proportion.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kami semua tiba di destinasi yang dituju dalam pukul 1.35 tengah hari. Selepas urusan check in selesai, kami semua terus bergerak ke salah satu restoran yang bernama Bila-Bila untuk makan tengah hari. Yer lah, masing-masing pun dah lapar. Di sebabkan kami semua seramai hampir 30 orang, bos aku menempah 6 3-bedroom villa untuk kami. Jadi satu villa share dalam 5 orang lah. Not that I mind since the villa is spacious enough for us and it’s on the tips of the water palm fronds. Roughly around 800 metres from the beach. Pretty neat, aite.

Now, since it’s a team-building weekend, the itinerary are pretty much filled with fun things together with colleagues, unlike a kursus. Untuk hari ini, satu-satunya aktiviti kumpulan hanyalah bola tampar pantai, and it’s going to be at around 5.00 pm. Other than that. It’s free and easy!

Aku dan Zach memutuskan untuk pergi berjalan-jalan di kawasan sekitar hotel untuk mengisi masa yang terluang sebelum pergi ke bilik. Angin meniup lembut sambil desiran ombak perlahan datang dan pergi berturutan. Dari jauh kicau camar memecah melayang terbang, sekali sekali berkuak memecah keheningan hari. Di langit, langit biru di sinari matahari terik membuatkan badanku sedikit kehangatan. Awan putih di sini sana, sekali sekala memberikan teduhan bagi mereka yang di bawah. It’s been a long time since I have this luxury of living here.

“Are you away with the pixies, mate?”

“Huh?”

“I’m asking ya whether you’re a walking zombie?”

“Shut ya gob, rat bag.”

“Ya know, I realized that you seems to be over the moon these day. It’s like you’re doing a doco that I didn’t know about.”

“And you yourself have been earbashing everyone, ay. How about we just have a nice walk without that yapping of yours?”

“Right, a piece of piss. Like an arse licker couple walking the aisle.”

“Ya know, I’m not gonna get blue on your arse, or your banger.”

“And, ya crack a fat every morning under ya sheet, wanker. Think I didn’t know, ya”

“Hahaha, I’m a sexually healthy homo, mate.”

“We both are.”

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Aku sedang duduk di ruang balkoni bilik menantikan Zach dan lain-lain bersiap-siap untuk ke tempat berkumpul bagi permainan bola tampar pantai kami. Tin coke yang ku buka tadi masih lagi berbaki separuh, dan kelihatan titits air terbentuk perlahan di permukaan tin tersebut. Kedengaran bunyi petikan gitar perlahan dari dalam. Aku menoleh dan kelihatan Helmi, finance officer kami sedang memetik gitar perlahan sambil mulutnya terkumat kamit akan lirik lagu yang entah apa tidak dapat aku cam.

“You perform ke nanti?” tanya aku kepada Helmi.

“Yeah, department kitorang dengan HR gabung and cabut undi, I yang kena.”

“Owh, lagu apa?”

“Wait and see. What about you guys?”

“We’re doing stand up comedy.”

Tiba-tiba handphoneku yang terletak di atas meja berbunyi. Icon Gmail ku terpapar di sudut atas skrin, email kerja ku. Mungkin email dari klien, telahanku. Ikon tersebut ku tekan dan beberapa saat kemudian, terpampang beberapa keping gambar. Pandanganku kaku. Gambar screenshot profile Grindr dan PR ku. Jelas kelihatan wajahku, dan bersama-sama gambar tersebut, turut di ikuti dengan satu perenggan pendek.

From: truth_buster@*********

To: undisclosed_recipient

“Khairul Ezra Irwandy, berasal dari Ampang. Flashy fag, sucking cock, fucking an ass, well, I’m sure you guys knew all that, aite. Now, there’s one other thing that you guys need to know about him, that he loves doing all that knowing the fact that he has HIV spreading in his body. Being HIV+ doesn’t stop him from having sex with anyone. And I have to say, I don’t think he has any intention at all. Tak percaya? Just ask him himself, though I bet he wouldn’t have the nerve to admit that he loves to spread the virus to everyone, just like he spread his legs to pretty much everyone in front of him. Careful, since he love to have more and more people to care that goddamn virus together with him. You might be wondeing why I’m telling you all these. It’s simply because, people like him, doesn’t deserve to live. Simple.”

Aku tersentak apabila Zach menepuk bahuku dari belakang. Kelihatan dia dan yang lain-lain susah sedia untuk bergerak keluar.

“What are you waiting for? Come on.” Kata Zach kepadaku.

Kami bergerak berjalan kaki untuk seketika menuju ke pantai sebelum buggy menjemput. Kelihatan beberapa officemate ku yang lain sudah pun tiba. Aku dan Zach duduk di bawah pohonan kelapa sementara menunggu baki kumpulan kami. Setelah hampir 5 minit, kesemua ahli kumpulan sudahpun berkumpul. Undian di gunakan untuk membahagikan kami kepada 4 kumpulan. Aku, Helmi, Brandon yang merupakan seorang lagi programmer di office ku, bersama-sama 2 lagi yang lain berada dalam kumpulan B. Zach pula berada di dalam kumpulan C bersama HOD ku, Mr. Jason.

Format perlawanan agak simple. Team A akan berlawan dengan team C pada pusingan pertama manakala team B dan team D akan bertemu di pusingan kedua. Pasukan pertama yang mencapai 10 mata menang dan mara ke pusingan akhir. Pasukan Zach, team C kalah 10-5 hanya dalam 15 minit.

Team aku dan team D mengambil tempat dan memulakan sedikit latihan spike, blocking, serve, dan jump serve. Setelah hampir 5 minit, kami ke bahagian masing-masing. Lontaran syiling di gunakan untuk menentukan giliran serve. Team D akan memulakan giliran manakala team kami memilih side.

Afiq mengambil serve yang pertama, namun it was a short serve dan tidak melepasi net. Satu mata percuma untuk kami. Helmi kemudian mengambil serve bagi kumpulan kami. Underhand serve nya tidak begitu kuat, namun cukup untuk melepasi jaring, namun, Megat dengan cekap menyambut bola tersebut sebelum Afiq dengan cekap melakukan Hit. 1 sama. Kali ini Megat pula melakukan jump serve dan menuju tepat ke kiri side kami. Helmi menyambut bola tersebut manakala Brandon melakukan overhead pass. Aku yang berada berdekatan melompat untuk melakukan hit, namun, tiba-tiba sahaja seseorang dengan kasar melanggar badanku. Aku terjatuh dan bola tersebut tidak dapat di pulangkan.

Sekali lagi Afiq melakukan serve ke arah aku, namun aku dapat melakukan passing, namun, seketika kemudian, bola itu jatuh ke pasir. Tiada siapa yang mengambutnya. Tiada siapa di tempat yang sepatutnya. Tiada siapa. Kesemua team mate ku, tidak bergerak, walau seinci.

“What was that?” tanyaku kepada mereka. Tiada jawapan. Helmi hanya melihat kearah pantai. Brandon dan yang lain pula menyepak perlahan pasir.

“Are we playing the game?” tanya Mr. Jason.

Kedengaran seseorang menjawab perlahan, namun tidak jelas kedengaran.

“I can’t hear you.” Balas Mr. Jason.

“We are, but, not with him.”

“What the fuck was that all about?”

“Drop that farce. You think we have no idea? About your HIV status? About, how you keep on doing things that you shouldn’t be doing?”

“And what does that have anything to do with this game?” Tiba-tiba Zach mencelah.

“Everything. His very existance has everything to do with all these. For such a man to be walking with us, spreading it non-chalantly.”

“Listen to yourself, to that stupid things you said. You know that it can’t be spread through a game.” Tambah Zach lagi.

“Stop your yapping Zach. You knew how scary HIV is. Millions of people have died from it. A shameful, painful and slow death. He has no right to spread it to anyone. Not even to us. He might be harbouring other diseases inside his body and awaiting to infect us.”

“Are you done? If you are, then, the game are yours. I will be gone.”

Love

I love it when you are talking non-stop,
I love it when you are sulking and pouting your lips,
I love it when you look into my eyes,
I love it when you close your eyes because you look so calm,
I love it when you cook my favourite dishes,
I love it when you burnt the toast in the morning.

I love your voice and when your shut me up,
I love your sleek black hair and your unkempt stubble,
I love your smell and and how you feel in me,
I love your smile and when you're next to me.

I love you for what you believe in, I love you,
I love you for loving me all your life,
I love you and if I couldn't love you,
To love you is the thing I love.

I love you when you tickle me,
Even when I told you to stop,
I love you when you just woke up,
Even when you refuse to kiss me until you brush your teeth,
I love you when you laugh,
Even when you look so hilarious,
I love you when you cry,
Even when you keep on requesting for hot chocolate.

I love it when you call my name in your sleep,
So that I can tease you the next morning,
I love it when you call me in the middle of the day,
So that you can listen to me talking in your silence,
I love it when you just stay put,
So that I can just hold you.

I love you for I love you,
I love you for your love to me.

Dia - Lima Puluh

L

ima Puluh

“So, when would he be here?” tanya abang Kamahl kepadaku sedang kami  menunggu makanan yang baru sahaja di pesan.

“Siapa?”

“The consultant guy, yang adek bagitahu abang haritu.

“Owh, Sabtu tengah hari, dalam pukul 2 lebih kurang.”

“Ok. Here’s something for you.” Tambah abang Kamahl sambil menghulurkan aku satu plastik kecil.

“Apa ni?” tanyaku sambil mengeluarkan kandungan plastik tersebut. Di tanganku terdapat satu canister besi yang berwarna hitam kemerahan, setinggi hampir 5 inci. Aku melihat dengan teliti canister tersebut. “American Defender Pepper Spray. Huh? Untuk apa ni?”

“For you to use it of course. In case he’s trying to do something to you.”

“Hahahaha. Adoi. Mana jer abang dapat ni? Plus, legal ke kalau guna benda ni?”

“Abang jumpa dekat Ikano hari tu. Legal la pepper spray ni. Kalau illegal takkan abang bagi dekat adek pula.”

“Tak ada maknanya dia nak buat something dekat adek. Bukanya dia sex offender ke, maniac ke apa.”

“Yer la, sebab tak tahu la kena prepare tau. Ok la ni abang belikan pepper spray tu. Paling habis pun mata dia pedih jer. Kalau tak, mula-mula abang nak bagi adek baseball bat abang yang kat rumah tu. Tapi karang, takut patah riuk pulak jadinya.”

“Alah, tak ada apa-apa lah. Abang ni suka kan risau lebih.”

“Ha, degilkan tak nak dengar cakap abang.”

“Heee, yer lah yer lah.”

“Excuse me sir, here are your starter and drinks. Classic nachos, orange juice and apple juice.” Tiba-tiba muncul seorang pelayan bersama dengan sebahagian makanan yang di pesan. Cuma main course sahaja yang masih belum sampai.

“Thanks.” Kata abang Kamahl.

“Anyway, what’s your plan for tonight?”

“Plan? Balik rumah lah. Esok kan kerja.”

“Bunked over at my place.”

“Boleh jer.” Jawabku ringkas kepada cadangan abang Kamahl itu.

Kami terus bergerak pulang ke rumah abang Kamahl setelah menghabiskan makan malam. Setibanya di sana, abang Kamahl bingkas ke dapur membuat minuman panas sementara aku memasukan baju dan seluar yang dipakai kami ketika climbing kedalam mesin basuh untuk di cuci, dan menukar kepada seluar pendek bersihku yang tersedia di dalam bilik. Sekembalinya aku ke ruang tamu, kelihatan abang Kamahl sedang bersandar di chaise lounge sofa sambil menghirup perlahan minuman yang di sediakan tadi.

“I made warm milk for you.” Kata abang Kamahl kepadaku.

“You’re having milk too?”

“Hot chocolate.” Balas abang Kamahl dengan mukanya yang stoic itu.

“Alaaaaa. Why am I having a warm milk while you’re having hot chocolate? Adek pun nak hot chocolate juga.”

“I thought you love warm milk?”

“But I love hot chocolate too.”

“Ok lah, have mine.”

“Hehehehe. Thanks abang.” Balasku sambil duduk di sebelah abang Kamahl. “So, how’s work?”

“Just the usual. I’m going to Pittsburgh end of the month.”

“Owh, for how long?”

“Around 2 weeks. Will be at Pittsburg for 7 days and heading to New York after that.”

“Suweeeeet.”

“Nak apa-apa tak?”

“Hehehe. Menyesal pulak abang nanti tanya macam tu.”

“Jangan lah mintak banyak-banyak. Tak kesian kat abang ke?”

“Tak banyak pun. Adek nak, hi-top trainers Kris Van Assche. Tu jer.”

“Apa kejadah tu?”

“Kasut la.”

“Bukan kat rumah tu berlambak kasut adek dalam almari. Dalam kotak tak pernah buka pun ader juga kan.”

“Alaaaaaaaaaaaa. Pleaaassseeeeee. Kasut tu lawa lah. Boleh lah. Please.”

“Yer lah yer lah. Saiz 7 kan?”

“Yup. Hehehehe.”

“Lagi? Dildo tak nak?”

“Ala dildo dekat sini pun ada jual. Beli online jer lagi senang.”

“Yang ni custom-made punya.”

“Custom made?”

“Aaaah, ikut saiz and bentuk kote abang.”

“Hahahaha. Sengal la abang ni. Kalau kote abang baik yang original punya. Lagi best, siap ader air mani pekat, banyak lagi.”

“Suke kan cakap pasal kote abang.”

“Abang yang mula dulu. Hehehe. Abang, baring bang.” Pintaku supaya abang Kamahl berbaring di atas sofa L ini. Abang Kamahl lantas berbaring dengan melapikkan bantal di kepalanya. Kemudian aku turut sama berbaring, dengan kepalaku di rehatkan di perut abang Kamahl. “Cerita apa kita tengah tengok ni?” Tanyaku lagi.

“While you were sleeping.” Balas abang Kamahl pendek.

“Best ke?”

“Best juga.”

“Cerita ni pasal apa jer?”

“Erm,  the heroine, Sandra Bullock saved a guy and he went into coma. The family thought that she was the fiance of that guy. She tried to tell the truth, but she can’t.”

“Macam bosan jer.”

“Tengok jer. Baru tau best ke tak.”

“Okaaaay.

“Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person really knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that you were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with.”

“Huh? What’s that?”

“Nothing.”

“Abang.” Panggilku perlahan.

“Yup.”

“If, we’re not together as brothers, do you think that we would be together, as a couple?”

“Why do you asked?”

“I’m just, wondering. Would we?”

“Most probably. But maybe not.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you know the answer already?”

“That’s not fair. Answer me please.”

“Sigh, my sweet, charming, cute, sexy, hot, naughty adek. I love you so much. I care about you, and I want to do that forever. For me, you’re always my little adek. And I don’t think I could love you more as I did if we’re a couple. And somehow, I knew, you will find someone to be your man, like how you found Khai. Whatevernot, you are still my little adek. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Kami berdua kemudian hanya terdiam menumpukan perhatian kepada filem yang terpasang sedari tadi. Perlahan-lahan nafas abang Kamahl menjadi perlahan, dan seketika kemudian, kedengaran dengkuran perlahan darinya. “Tidur dah abang.” Aku perlahan-lahan bangun dan meletakkan kedua mug kedalam sinki, sebelum baju yang ku cuci tadi di sidai dan comforter abang Kamahl di ambil dari biliknya. Badan abang Kamahl di selimuti lantas aku kembali berbaring di atas perut abang Kamahl di dalam gelap.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tidur panjangku terjaga apabila sesuatu yang lembut menyentuh perlahan hujung hidungku. Buat seketika, lalu ia terhenti. Aku hanya membiarkan sahaja. Namun beberapa detik kemudian, sekali lagi ia menyapa.

“Sayang, papa nak sleep lagi la.” Ngomelku perlahan.

Namun, semakin ganas asakan yang di berikan. Kalau tadi hanya sekadar di penghujung hidungku, kini kesayangan ku menyondol perlahan di pipiku. Akhirnya aku membuka mata. Kelihatan Zach tersengih-sengih di sambil memegang kucingku yang masih lagi di hadapan mataku.

“You know you’re bigger than him and I can see you you clearly.”

“Finally you’re awake. We’ve been trying to wake you up since ages.”

“Owh man, don’t you think it’s still early to be up, Zach?”

“It’s 5 minutes to 9 am. By definition, it’s the right time get out from bed.”

“You know you can be a pain in the arse, ya know.”

“Oy bloke, drop that fake accent. It sounds weird.”

“Whatever. Now, could you please enlighten me why you’re fully clothed, with your dorky cap?”

“Urm, breakfast? What else?”

“Can’t you just settle with Koko Crunch or a toast?”

“When in Rome, do as the Roman do. That’s my way of living. So when I’m in Malaysia, I would only settled for Roti Canai and Nasi Lemak. Can we go and get the nasi lemak at the junction close to the 7E. I love that aunty’s dried beef thing. What did you call it?” That brown, chocolatish one.”

“Rendang.”

“Rendeng”

“Rendang.

“Ok got it. Now can you please, chop chop. It would be your fault if they are out of it when we get there.”

“Owh man, can’t you just go there by yourself, it ain’t that far. You’re not going to get lost from a little walk in the morning.”

“I want to, since waiting for you to wake up means the deprivation, starvation and hunger for me. But, in case you’re having a short term memory loss, it’s rude to just point this this this to that aunty.”

“You know, You’ve been having the same thing almost everyday for the past 2 months, and you still can’t remember what is the name of that food. Huh. Don’t you think you’re the one with short term memory loss?”

“Shut up. Now hurry up. Just wash your face.”

“Ay ay.”

“Owh ya, someone called you on your cell while you were still dozing off. Few times.”

Aku mencapai telefonku yang terletak di atas meja, terdapat 3 panggilan dari nombor yang tidak di kenali. And a message. Voicemail notification, and it’s the same number. Sambil aku berjalan ke bilik air untuk mencuci muka dan memberus gigi, aku mendail nombor voicemail tersebut. Kedengaran suara seorang lelaki di hujung talian, suara yang tidak aku berapa kenali.

“You’re filthy. You should just die and left rotted alone. Not even a stray dog would nibble on you. You and your disease. And yet, you’re still on Grindr, everywhere, trying to spread it to everyone else like it was their fault. Why don’t you just die?”