Love

I love it when you are talking non-stop,
I love it when you are sulking and pouting your lips,
I love it when you look into my eyes,
I love it when you close your eyes because you look so calm,
I love it when you cook my favourite dishes,
I love it when you burnt the toast in the morning.

I love your voice and when your shut me up,
I love your sleek black hair and your unkempt stubble,
I love your smell and and how you feel in me,
I love your smile and when you're next to me.

I love you for what you believe in, I love you,
I love you for loving me all your life,
I love you and if I couldn't love you,
To love you is the thing I love.

I love you when you tickle me,
Even when I told you to stop,
I love you when you just woke up,
Even when you refuse to kiss me until you brush your teeth,
I love you when you laugh,
Even when you look so hilarious,
I love you when you cry,
Even when you keep on requesting for hot chocolate.

I love it when you call my name in your sleep,
So that I can tease you the next morning,
I love it when you call me in the middle of the day,
So that you can listen to me talking in your silence,
I love it when you just stay put,
So that I can just hold you.

I love you for I love you,
I love you for your love to me.

Dia - Lima Puluh

L

ima Puluh

“So, when would he be here?” tanya abang Kamahl kepadaku sedang kami  menunggu makanan yang baru sahaja di pesan.

“Siapa?”

“The consultant guy, yang adek bagitahu abang haritu.

“Owh, Sabtu tengah hari, dalam pukul 2 lebih kurang.”

“Ok. Here’s something for you.” Tambah abang Kamahl sambil menghulurkan aku satu plastik kecil.

“Apa ni?” tanyaku sambil mengeluarkan kandungan plastik tersebut. Di tanganku terdapat satu canister besi yang berwarna hitam kemerahan, setinggi hampir 5 inci. Aku melihat dengan teliti canister tersebut. “American Defender Pepper Spray. Huh? Untuk apa ni?”

“For you to use it of course. In case he’s trying to do something to you.”

“Hahahaha. Adoi. Mana jer abang dapat ni? Plus, legal ke kalau guna benda ni?”

“Abang jumpa dekat Ikano hari tu. Legal la pepper spray ni. Kalau illegal takkan abang bagi dekat adek pula.”

“Tak ada maknanya dia nak buat something dekat adek. Bukanya dia sex offender ke, maniac ke apa.”

“Yer la, sebab tak tahu la kena prepare tau. Ok la ni abang belikan pepper spray tu. Paling habis pun mata dia pedih jer. Kalau tak, mula-mula abang nak bagi adek baseball bat abang yang kat rumah tu. Tapi karang, takut patah riuk pulak jadinya.”

“Alah, tak ada apa-apa lah. Abang ni suka kan risau lebih.”

“Ha, degilkan tak nak dengar cakap abang.”

“Heee, yer lah yer lah.”

“Excuse me sir, here are your starter and drinks. Classic nachos, orange juice and apple juice.” Tiba-tiba muncul seorang pelayan bersama dengan sebahagian makanan yang di pesan. Cuma main course sahaja yang masih belum sampai.

“Thanks.” Kata abang Kamahl.

“Anyway, what’s your plan for tonight?”

“Plan? Balik rumah lah. Esok kan kerja.”

“Bunked over at my place.”

“Boleh jer.” Jawabku ringkas kepada cadangan abang Kamahl itu.

Kami terus bergerak pulang ke rumah abang Kamahl setelah menghabiskan makan malam. Setibanya di sana, abang Kamahl bingkas ke dapur membuat minuman panas sementara aku memasukan baju dan seluar yang dipakai kami ketika climbing kedalam mesin basuh untuk di cuci, dan menukar kepada seluar pendek bersihku yang tersedia di dalam bilik. Sekembalinya aku ke ruang tamu, kelihatan abang Kamahl sedang bersandar di chaise lounge sofa sambil menghirup perlahan minuman yang di sediakan tadi.

“I made warm milk for you.” Kata abang Kamahl kepadaku.

“You’re having milk too?”

“Hot chocolate.” Balas abang Kamahl dengan mukanya yang stoic itu.

“Alaaaaa. Why am I having a warm milk while you’re having hot chocolate? Adek pun nak hot chocolate juga.”

“I thought you love warm milk?”

“But I love hot chocolate too.”

“Ok lah, have mine.”

“Hehehehe. Thanks abang.” Balasku sambil duduk di sebelah abang Kamahl. “So, how’s work?”

“Just the usual. I’m going to Pittsburgh end of the month.”

“Owh, for how long?”

“Around 2 weeks. Will be at Pittsburg for 7 days and heading to New York after that.”

“Suweeeeet.”

“Nak apa-apa tak?”

“Hehehe. Menyesal pulak abang nanti tanya macam tu.”

“Jangan lah mintak banyak-banyak. Tak kesian kat abang ke?”

“Tak banyak pun. Adek nak, hi-top trainers Kris Van Assche. Tu jer.”

“Apa kejadah tu?”

“Kasut la.”

“Bukan kat rumah tu berlambak kasut adek dalam almari. Dalam kotak tak pernah buka pun ader juga kan.”

“Alaaaaaaaaaaaa. Pleaaassseeeeee. Kasut tu lawa lah. Boleh lah. Please.”

“Yer lah yer lah. Saiz 7 kan?”

“Yup. Hehehehe.”

“Lagi? Dildo tak nak?”

“Ala dildo dekat sini pun ada jual. Beli online jer lagi senang.”

“Yang ni custom-made punya.”

“Custom made?”

“Aaaah, ikut saiz and bentuk kote abang.”

“Hahahaha. Sengal la abang ni. Kalau kote abang baik yang original punya. Lagi best, siap ader air mani pekat, banyak lagi.”

“Suke kan cakap pasal kote abang.”

“Abang yang mula dulu. Hehehe. Abang, baring bang.” Pintaku supaya abang Kamahl berbaring di atas sofa L ini. Abang Kamahl lantas berbaring dengan melapikkan bantal di kepalanya. Kemudian aku turut sama berbaring, dengan kepalaku di rehatkan di perut abang Kamahl. “Cerita apa kita tengah tengok ni?” Tanyaku lagi.

“While you were sleeping.” Balas abang Kamahl pendek.

“Best ke?”

“Best juga.”

“Cerita ni pasal apa jer?”

“Erm,  the heroine, Sandra Bullock saved a guy and he went into coma. The family thought that she was the fiance of that guy. She tried to tell the truth, but she can’t.”

“Macam bosan jer.”

“Tengok jer. Baru tau best ke tak.”

“Okaaaay.

“Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody? And you knew that, if only that person really knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that you were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with.”

“Huh? What’s that?”

“Nothing.”

“Abang.” Panggilku perlahan.

“Yup.”

“If, we’re not together as brothers, do you think that we would be together, as a couple?”

“Why do you asked?”

“I’m just, wondering. Would we?”

“Most probably. But maybe not.”

“Why?”

“Don’t you know the answer already?”

“That’s not fair. Answer me please.”

“Sigh, my sweet, charming, cute, sexy, hot, naughty adek. I love you so much. I care about you, and I want to do that forever. For me, you’re always my little adek. And I don’t think I could love you more as I did if we’re a couple. And somehow, I knew, you will find someone to be your man, like how you found Khai. Whatevernot, you are still my little adek. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Kami berdua kemudian hanya terdiam menumpukan perhatian kepada filem yang terpasang sedari tadi. Perlahan-lahan nafas abang Kamahl menjadi perlahan, dan seketika kemudian, kedengaran dengkuran perlahan darinya. “Tidur dah abang.” Aku perlahan-lahan bangun dan meletakkan kedua mug kedalam sinki, sebelum baju yang ku cuci tadi di sidai dan comforter abang Kamahl di ambil dari biliknya. Badan abang Kamahl di selimuti lantas aku kembali berbaring di atas perut abang Kamahl di dalam gelap.

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Tidur panjangku terjaga apabila sesuatu yang lembut menyentuh perlahan hujung hidungku. Buat seketika, lalu ia terhenti. Aku hanya membiarkan sahaja. Namun beberapa detik kemudian, sekali lagi ia menyapa.

“Sayang, papa nak sleep lagi la.” Ngomelku perlahan.

Namun, semakin ganas asakan yang di berikan. Kalau tadi hanya sekadar di penghujung hidungku, kini kesayangan ku menyondol perlahan di pipiku. Akhirnya aku membuka mata. Kelihatan Zach tersengih-sengih di sambil memegang kucingku yang masih lagi di hadapan mataku.

“You know you’re bigger than him and I can see you you clearly.”

“Finally you’re awake. We’ve been trying to wake you up since ages.”

“Owh man, don’t you think it’s still early to be up, Zach?”

“It’s 5 minutes to 9 am. By definition, it’s the right time get out from bed.”

“You know you can be a pain in the arse, ya know.”

“Oy bloke, drop that fake accent. It sounds weird.”

“Whatever. Now, could you please enlighten me why you’re fully clothed, with your dorky cap?”

“Urm, breakfast? What else?”

“Can’t you just settle with Koko Crunch or a toast?”

“When in Rome, do as the Roman do. That’s my way of living. So when I’m in Malaysia, I would only settled for Roti Canai and Nasi Lemak. Can we go and get the nasi lemak at the junction close to the 7E. I love that aunty’s dried beef thing. What did you call it?” That brown, chocolatish one.”

“Rendang.”

“Rendeng”

“Rendang.

“Ok got it. Now can you please, chop chop. It would be your fault if they are out of it when we get there.”

“Owh man, can’t you just go there by yourself, it ain’t that far. You’re not going to get lost from a little walk in the morning.”

“I want to, since waiting for you to wake up means the deprivation, starvation and hunger for me. But, in case you’re having a short term memory loss, it’s rude to just point this this this to that aunty.”

“You know, You’ve been having the same thing almost everyday for the past 2 months, and you still can’t remember what is the name of that food. Huh. Don’t you think you’re the one with short term memory loss?”

“Shut up. Now hurry up. Just wash your face.”

“Ay ay.”

“Owh ya, someone called you on your cell while you were still dozing off. Few times.”

Aku mencapai telefonku yang terletak di atas meja, terdapat 3 panggilan dari nombor yang tidak di kenali. And a message. Voicemail notification, and it’s the same number. Sambil aku berjalan ke bilik air untuk mencuci muka dan memberus gigi, aku mendail nombor voicemail tersebut. Kedengaran suara seorang lelaki di hujung talian, suara yang tidak aku berapa kenali.

“You’re filthy. You should just die and left rotted alone. Not even a stray dog would nibble on you. You and your disease. And yet, you’re still on Grindr, everywhere, trying to spread it to everyone else like it was their fault. Why don’t you just die?”