Homosexual... truthfully, I hate that accursed word for it be such a circumscribed context to it... it, it has such a negative connotation where everything revolved around sex. sex. sex. sex... was it the only thing that can be associated with a man who like me? what about my emotion? my feelings? my thoughts? my lifestyle? why does it always have to be with sex? why does it always have to be about self-fulfilling or even stereotyping? to have yourself to be looked upon by the so-called majority or the society only based on who you're fucking the other night over and over again. Hell! it's annoying to note that after aeons, we are still being dictated by the notion of symbolic-interaction.

George Herbert Mead proposed that everything is based upon the criterion of truth, our self of sense constituted, and the result of ongoing social process... unfortunately, after thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousand years ago, mother-nature should stop our great, great, great great ancestor from evolving into homosapiens. it would be very much interesting to imagine on what gonna happen if natural selection process made Ant as the prime species on this world. yeah. Ants.If I were to sum-up humanity in one phrase, perhaps the best would be as what Plautus said more than a thousand years ago; lupus est homo homini, non homo, quam qualis sit non novit (for man is no man, but a wolf, to a stranger. throughout history, humanity brings nothing but destruction to others. remember when spanish conquistadors decimated the Inca, Maya and Aztec civilizations? or when Caesar decided to burnt down the great library of Alexandria simply because he wanted to re-established the history, just like the ISIS destroying Palymra, Mosul, Nineveh and many other sites? Tuskegee, Soviet, Hiroshima and many more? it seems we have forgotten all these... all these while we tried to justify our act with either liberation, enlightenment, salvation, redemption, but yet, we chose not to use the right word for it...

this, so-called unnatural behaviours or acts, were used as the basis for labeling, for stigma. it's not the individual action, rather the social action which dictate who we are...

it's nauseating enough when a segment of population seems to favour pascal's wager. but, it's more sickening when they tried and tried and tried to imposed those believed to others... I have no qualm for anyone who keeps on seeing pareidolia, or, believing in pre-destination, or even subjugation... hey, it's your life, so it's up to you what you want to do about it... and for me, it's insulting for me to even considering pascal's wager, trying to comprehend pre-destination, or unfounded subjugation... that's me... If i could have the balls respecting your believes and thoughts, what makes you think that you could dangle your balls in front of my face each time and not expecting me to snap it off?

So perhaps we should start embracing ourself as gay, rather than a homosexual. after all, it's more than just sex. it's more than just that... it's about our life, our lifestyle, our emotion, our feelings.but hey, if u're happy with labeling urself as homosexual, by all means, it's all yours... for I'm always a gay men. 

Janji - Satu

He was still fast asleep when I finished my morning bath. With only in a white boxer brief, slowly, with slightly damp bathrobe and used towel in my hand, I opened the bathroom door and hang up those 2 things. I sat at the corner of the bed, clasping my watch onto my left wrist and looked for all my other belongings. I could hear his deep, slow and rejuvenating breaths, into an unknown but yet steady rhythm. It was, nice, seeing him to not say anything. It was, serene, when he's not moving an inch, but for his chest. 

There was a white, clean, and crisp paper left on the table, with something scribbled on it. 

"Thanks for the night. I'll text you again later. I've paid the room so just return back the access card later when you're up."

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Seseorang itu tidak akan pernah melupakan saat manis ketika kali pertama hati ini mula-mula terusik atau kata-kata manja yang diluahkan oleh si dia. Dia juga tidak akan pernah melupakan betapa berbisanya racun asmara yang meresap masuk ke seluruh pelusuk hati dan tubuh. Perlahan-lahan, ia menjalar dan beraja di dalam. Tiada pernah lepas dan tiada pernah lelah, setiap nafas yang di hela, semakin dalam cengkaman bisa itu. Apa mungkin, kalau-kalau racun itu hilang, atau pudar di telan masa. Setiap ulitan mimpi yang menjengah malam hari tidak pernah sekalipun meresahkan dirinya di pagi hari. Seorang pencinta tidak akan pernah melupakan, masakan sekali dia mampu pulih dari bisa yang ditinggalkan. 

Kali pertama aku berjumpa denganya, jantungku berdebar dan hatiku berdetik. Entah kenapa, lidahku tidak mampu untuk mengucapkan kata yang cuba untuk ku lafazkan. Kaku, tangan ku hulur dan salam ku berikan. Senyum di bibir mula mekar pabila dia menyahut tangan yang terhulur dan memberikan namanya. Nama yang buat selamanya tidak mungkin aku padamkan.

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Setelah seharian yang memenatkan, akhirnya aku bersendirian memandu pulang ke rumah. CD Couer de Pirate ku mainkan lantas ku cari lagu mistral gagnant dan ku mainkan. Satu haram pun aku tak faham. No hablar frances pero solo parace agradable por me. Y es una memoria que no podia olvidar...

Petang tadi Nizam singgah sebentar ke pejabatku bertanyakan khabar. Hubungan kami berdua bukan sekadar rakan sepejabat, ada ketawa, ada jeritan bingit dan begitu lah. Namun, persahabatan yang terbina sejak beberapa tahun seakan-akan perhubungan Vidal dan David di dalam El juego del angel karya Carlos Ruiz Zafon. 

"How's everything?" Tanya Nizam. 

"Just the usual, I would say." Balasku. 

"Aku dengan Ina ada buat makan-makan sedikit malam minggu ni. Hari Sabtu dalam pukul 1 lebih kurang. Datanglah."

"Makan-makan apa jer?"

"Alah, makan-makan biasa je, dengan kawan-kawan. Lagipun si Isha tu selalu tanya bila uncle Kamahl dia nak datang melawat."

"Hahahaha. So maksudnya kalau Isha tak tanya ko tak ajak aku lah ni?"

"Isk, ada pula macam tu."

"Aku bergurau jer lah. So Isha dah sehat sepenuhnya dah dari demam campak dia?"

"Dah, dekat kering dah sumer. Tinggal berbekas sedikit je. Nanti beberapa minggu lagi hilang lah tu."

"Bagus lah tu kalau macam tu. Alah, budak-budak, biasa lah tu kena demam campak. Biar kena masa kecil ni, tak de la berparut nanti."

"Itu lah. Kesian juga aku tengok."

"Yang penting dia dah sehat." 

"Dah nak pukul 6 dah ni. Kau kemana jer lepas ni?"

"Ntah. Balik rumah jer la kot."

"Malam minggu kut malam ni. Esok lusa cuti, takkan balik rumah terus? Ko ni, nama jer bujang, tapi mengalahkan anak 3 dekat rumah. hahahaha."

"Bengong ko kan. Hahahaha. Tengok lah nanti kalau aku singgah ke mana-mana ke. Nak ajak ko keluar, confirm ko kena balik sebelum pukul 9 malam punya."

"Yer la, anak bini tunggu kat umah ooo."

"Hahahaha. Kan, berkepit jer dengan Ina 24 jam."

"Of course, kalau lama-lama Ina tak dapat ketiak kepam aku ni, mahu dia pening kepala runsing ooo."

"Sengal."

"Ketiak lelaki boleh kurangkan stress perempuan ok. Itu international study punya finding."

"Hahaha, banyak lah. Ko ni pun, dah tak ada benda lain nak sembang kan. Ketiak pun jadi."

"Hehehe. Ko pulak? Bila nak cari orang rumah?"

"Ke situ pulak ko ni. Tunggu lah nanti bila ada rezeki. Kalau ada, adalah. Kalau tak ada, mungkin lambat lagi lah tu."

"Kau tu yang sebenarnya tak mencari. Asyik kerja kerja kerja. Cuba lah luangkan masa sikit untuk diri sendiri."

"Kerja tu lah yang bayar duit rumah, kereta aku Nizam oooi."

"Itu aku tahu lah. Tapi ko ni bukan nya muda lagi pun. Tak lama lagi dah nak masuk 3 series dah. Tengok aku, Isha pun dah nak masuk 3 tahun dah. Tunggu masa jer nak beradik Isha tu. Hahaha."

"Tengok lah. Kalau ada rezeki adalah tu. Bercinta, biarlah jadi pasangan hidup seumur hidup. So, of course lah kalau boleh nak yang kekal. Lagipun, kalau cinta tu mudah sangat nak jumpa, takkan nya kita nak hargai kan."

"Fuuuu. Berfalsafah panjang lebar. Dalam hati ada taman jugak rupanya kawan aku sorang ni."

"Hahaha dah tu ko ingat aku hati batu ker?"

"Lebih kurang lah."

"Sengal."