Dia - Lima Puluh Dua - Akhir

L

ima Puluh Dua

Truth to be told, I felt like shit. Seriously, I wished that I could just stay on bed, doing nothing but hiding under the blanket and hoping that it was just another vivid nightmare from Stocrin. Yeah, I pinched my left arms and it hurts... it hurts like hell... i wonder, and i keep on wondering, if it will actually stop...

To tell you the truth, I have a strong feeling who did this. Yeah, I don’t have to be a seer or rocket scientist to find out who that person was. But, what baffled me the most was, for what? What would be the reason that drives his this far... You know what, I don’t give a damn on what his reason would be. It would be just a waste of time, and energy, and certainly he doesn’t deserve my attention at all. The bean has been spilled, and all I can do is see how it goes, then only I should plan my way out of this mess.

Selimut yang menyelubungi ku ku selak, lantas ku bingkas bangun dan mencapai kotak rokok dunhill yang tersedia di atas meja. Kunyalakan sebatang sebelum aku yang hanya memakai boxer brief berwarna dark grey bergerak menuju ke peti sejuk untuk mengambil segelas susu sebelum ke balkoni. Langit masih lagi gelap, namun, di penghujung sana kelihatan bibit cahaya matahari yang perlahan menerangi suasana. Kulihat kebawah, lampu-lampu jalan masih lagi bernyala, menunggu masa untuk di padamkan. Kereta yang kelihatan kecil dari sini bergerak dari satu arah ke arah yang lain. Kepulan asap dari rokok di jariku seakan-akan menari-nari, tanpa irama yang mengiringinya...

Aku akui, kadang-kala aku ingin lari dari semua ini... ingin sahaja aku pergi jauh dari segala hiruk-pikuk kehidupan yang menggamatkan. Namun, untuk berlari ke mana, aku tidak tahu kemana harus kaki ku bawa. Jiwa dan mindaku seakan-akan senantiasa berperang untuk mengambil alih kesedaranku. Acap kali jiwaku berbisik, aku harus pergi jauh, pergi ke suatu tempat yang mana tiada siapa mengetahui namaku, kisah hidup ku, mahupun menyedari akan kehadiranku. Ya, at times, I was tempted to do that. Namun, mindaku sering kali menyanggah akan bisikan hatiku. Tiada sebab untuk aku lari dari semua ini. Ini bukan kehendakku dan ini tidak akan menyelesaikan apa-apa. Lagipun, jika aku menuruti kata hati, jika aku lari dan pergi dari sini, itu hanyalah menunjukan yang aku bersalah.

“Hey.” Kedengaran suara Zach, aku menoleh kebelakang, kelihatan Zach bersandar di antara ruang sliding door dan dinding yang ku tinggalkan terbuka seketika tadi.

“You’re up early.” Tambah Zach lagi.

“Yeah.” Balasku pendek.

“Can’t sleep, huh?”

“A little.”

“So... you wanna talk about it?”

“About what?”

“Anything.”

“I don’t think I have anything to talk about.”

“Ok.”

Setelah beberapa ketika tiada sebarang kata yang keluar dari mulut kami, aku menghulurkan kotak rokok ku kepada Zach, “Cigg?”

“Sure.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Actually, I do.”

“And yet you’re still standing here.”

“Not about your status.”

“Then, about what?”

“About this, whole, storm in a tea cup. I’m surprised, I’m disgusted. To think that I would be in the middle of this, this, this, hatred and discrimination in 21st century.”

“In case you’re wondering, living in the 21st century doesn’t guarantee the entire humanity behaved that way.”

“Ironic, isn’t it? A stupid one on top.”

“Welcome to the real world.”

“So, what’s next?”

“Let’s just ride the flow, for now.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aku sedang menyediakan test case untuk sistem yang sedang di bina apabila suatu mesej whatsapp masuk.

“Not coming to the meeting?” mesej dari Zach.

“What meeting?”

“The project management meeting. Didn’t you get the email yesterday from Jason?”

“Nope.”

“I’ll ask him. We are still waiting for several people anyway. I’ll let you know.”

It’s been 20 minutes. Nothing. Tiada sebarang berita dari Zach. Mataku sedari tadi tidak beralih dari screen monitor komputer ku yang menunjukan paparan Team Foundation Server. Tangan kiriku mencapai mug dan lantas, ku halakan ke mulut. Herm, air kopi dah habis. Aku bingkas bangun dan menuju ke pantry. Namun, langkah aku terhenti. Pelik, ikutkan kata Zach, itu project management meeting. Tapi, aku seorang sahaja yang di sini. Mana yang lain? Even mereka yang bekerja untuk project lain tiada di tempat masing-masing. I wonder...

Kelihatan mereka yang lain keluar dari meeting room sewaktu aku berjalan ke mejaku dari pantry. Zach menuju kearahku. Mukanya merah padam. Riak wajahnya agak marah.

“What happened? You look pissed.” Kataku kepada Zach.

“I can’t believed what happened just now. It was absurd.”

“Oi bloke, what happened just now?”

“They talked as if they knew everything. As if they are the victims. And worst of all, they claimed it was all facts.”

Aku menggenggam kedua belah bahu Zach, lantas, “Tell. Me. What. Happen. Nothing else.”

“Sorry. They were discussing about....” belum sempat Zach menghabiskan ayatnya, aku terdengar namaku di panggil.

“Ezra, I need you in the meeting room.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“Sure, give me a second.”

“I need you now.”

Aku duduk di meja meeting bersama-sama beberapa yang lain. Mr. Jason HOD ku, Mr. Faez project manager, Mr. Norsham HR manager dan juga Mr. Omar, deputy director kami. Somehow, I felt like I’m having my job interview with all these people sitting right in front of me at this moment.

“You must be wondering why we are all here with you. I hope you didn’t take this personally because for me, I don’t see a point for this conversation.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“And I don’t see a point for that last part of what you just said, Jason.” Tambah Mr. Faez.

“Can you both cut your crap and get to the point. I don’t have much time to waste on this.” Bentak Mr. Omar.

“Very well then. It has come to our attention, that a certain rumour is circulating among all the workers here. Unfortunately, this rumour puts everyone on their edge and we have to put an end to this, uneasiness. I believed that you are aware about this, rumour, that we are referring to.” Kata Mr. Jason lagi.

Aku hanya mengangguk kepalaku.

“Just to be clear, to make sure that we are on the same page, can you tell us what is this rumour all about?” Sampuk Mr. Norsham pula.

Aku memandang genggaman tanganku yang berada di atas meja di hadapanku buat seketika. “It’s about my health status.”

“Be more specific, on the health status.” Mr. Omar bersuara sekali lagi.

“My HIV status.”

“And what do you have to say about it?”

“It’s, half truth.”

“And which part of that, rumour, is the truth?”

“That I’m HIV positive. And it seems that, that statement puts everyone on edge.”

“Indeed. And what about the other half of this rumour, or should I say, half truth?”

“That I’m spreading the virus to everyone? I have yet to recalled anyone whom I passed it to.”

“So you were saying that, that is a lie?”

“Yes.” Balasku.

“And that is the reason we are all here. Faez, you are his immediate superior. What do you have to say with regards to his performance?”

“Mr. Omar, Ezra has been performing well.”

“But it has come to my attention that several months ago, he had close to a week of MCs, in a row, several time on top.” Kata Mr. Norsham pula.

“And what do you have to say about that, Ezra?”

“I was just started on meds at that time, and the side effects wasn’t been so kind on me. Though I must say that it was a thing on the past.”

“How sure of you that it won’t happen again? That this side effects of yours will not be, a problem?”

“I can assure you of that.”

“Can you say it with 100% surety?”

“Can you?”

“I can’t, with 100% surety.”

“Mr. Omar, everyone, it would be unfair for us to expect Ezra to be 100% certain of the future. I don’t think no one in this room can be certain on what’s going to happen later on.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“Jason, I’m sure you understand that his, his, performance issue is just 90% of the reason why we are all here. We still haven’t talk about the remaining 10%, which is the most important part of this conversation.”

“And what would that remaining 10% be?” tanyaku.

“It appears that, most of the people here, would rather not, work with you. Or should I say, afraid, and uncomfortable.”

“Though I must say that I’m not quite understand the reason why would they have that sentiment, it doesn’t strike me as a surprise.”

“They threatened to quit. All of them.”

“I’m sure we can talk to them on this. Some sort like HIV awareness campaign or something.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“Jason, you were in the meeting just now. You knew they are serious.”

“And what is your take on that?” tanyaku kepada Mr. Omar.

“I would rather lose a worker, rather than a whole bunch of them.”

“So, am I fired?”

“No, you are not. But, I will have you resign, immediately.” Balas Mr. Omar.

“Of course, with 6 months salary of compensation.”

“You know Mr. Omar, I could sue you, you, you and the company for discrimination, and wrongful dismissal.”

“You know you wouldn’t do it.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because that would bring too much attention to yourself. And of course, to your future too.”

“And what makes you think that I care about that? When I am humiliated in such a poor manner? And do you think that I don’t have the qualification and skills to work with other, non-discriminating company?”

“It seems 6 months salary is not enough for you. What about 9 months?”

“A year, on top of this month’s. Nothing less. Straight to my bank account within 2 days.”

“And you will not charge us?”

“If, and only if I receive the amount that I mentioned  within 2 days.”

“I will make sure of that, for our sake.”

“If that is all, I will take my leave.” Kataku lantas bingkas bangun.

“Ezra, I’m sorry for all these. And good luck for your future.” Kata Mr. Jason.

“Thanks Mr. Jason. It’s been great knowing you.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sudah lebih dua tahun selepas aku meninggalkan bumi Malaysia. Selepas apa yang terjadi dahulu, kurasakan lebih baik untuk aku mengikut kata hati yang lara dan pergi jauh. Melarikan diri, mungkin. Patah hati, mungkin. Mencari ketenangan diri, mungkin. Di sini, tiada siapa yang menoleh memandang serong terhadapku. Tiada siapa yang berkata kurang enak di belakangku. Tiada siapa yang mengambil kisah akan kehadiranku. Perhatian, masa dan tenaga ku di tumpukan untuk menghabiskan pelajaran di peringkat Master. Akhirnya, satu lagi hajatku tercapai. Mungkin, kebetulan itu suatu yang telah tersurat bahawa masa telah tiba untuk aku memenuhi keinginan hati.

Aku akui, kadang kala hati ini terdetik untuk pulang. Sudah terlalu lama aku tidak bersua muka dengan mereka yang begitu bermakna di dalam hidupku. Abang Kamahl, nenek, Joe dan yang lain-lain. Namun, senantiasa aku mengendahkan rasa hatiku, mengeraskan benak perasaanku, kerana aku tidak bersedia untuk kembali ke sana. Aku dan abang Kamahl kerap kali berhubungan melalui Skype. Itu syarat yang diberikan kepadaku apabila aku tidak lelah mengatakan tidak kepada persoalan bila aku mahu pulang. Pernah juga dia meminta kebenaranku untuk datang menziarahi, namun, entahlah.

Aku rindukan Khai. Mungkin, aku sedikit mementingkan diri apabila mengambil keputusan ini sendirian. Namun, aku bersyukur aku mengambil keputusan ini. Aku kini lebih matang, tabah dan kuat untuk menghadapi kehidupan yang penuh dugaan dan cabaraan. Keputusan aku untuk meninggalkan segala memori kami bersama di sana, kadang-kadang mencabar ketabahan hatiku. Namun, itulah jalan yang aku pilih, dan aku senang sekarang. Namun, memori itu tetap segar di dalam fikiranku. Setiap saat, kehangatan sentuhanya, kemanisan senyumanya dan bait-bait katanya, tidak pernah aku lupakan. Aku tidak lagi sedih apabila memori itu memutuskan untuk menjengah ke fikiran ku. Aku tahu, dia tetap di hatiku.

Mereka hadir di dalam diriku. Ada yang hanya berlalu pergi seperti mana mereka datang, ada yang singgah sebentar memberikan sebuah erti. Dia hadir di dalam hidupku, mengubah hidupku, mencorak hidupku, menyinari jiwaku. Kini dia telah pergi. Tetapi dia tetap bertakhta di hatiku.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Jonathan. We are about to begin descending so please remain seated and fasten your seatbelt. The weather in Kuala Lumpur International Airport is bright sunny. For those who are coming back to Kuala Lumpur, we wish you welcome back and for those who are here for the first time, welcome to Malaysia. On behalf of the crew, I would like to thank you for flying Malaysia Airlines, and we hope to see you again.”

~~Tamat~~