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May 04, 2016

Naim - 1

“to sit here alone on this hard chair,
and looking into my palms,
all I could see was creases,
one, two, three,
countless of it,
and yet I could not take my eyes away.

I want to talk of the old times,
when I held your pinky with mine,
doing nothing but laughing and smiling,
and we walked around the park,
at times running like a little child,
and at other jumping like a child.

I missed that time,
back we were together,
talking about life, and work, and each other,
as if there would be no tomorrow,
we were mad,
I was mad,
for falling and wanting only to fall alone,
without you by my side.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Look, before I start freaking out, which I believed would happen soon, very soon, let sit this through and think slowly.” Aku menoleh ke belakang, kelihatan satu kerusi kecil. Tasteful design. Minimalist, yet chic for the setting. Aku duduk di kerusi tersebut. “Now, where was I just now?” ngomel ku sendirian. Bungkusan buah-buahan yang tersedia di atas meja nampak bodoh. “Now, I don’t know whether this is customary or the social convention, but, perhaps a practical gift would be better, aite”.

Beberapa biji epal, buah oren, pear, anggur dan buah-buahan lain. “At least they look fresh, and good.” Aku melihat keluar tingkap. Titis-titis hujan mula turun. Di hujung langit kelihatan cahaya matahari perlahan-lahan malap, turun dan menghilang untuk di gantikan cahaya bulan dan bintang. Wait, malam ni ada bulan ke? Well, whatever. Perhatian ku terhenti ke arah bunga calla lily putih di atas counter table. “Cheeky”. Kataku sendirian. I wonder who brought it here, since it looks fresh dan masih berbau harum. Bau bunga tersebut menyelubungi bilik ini.

You know what, it’s depressing to be in here. Aku menyeluk tangan kananku ke dalam poket seluar. “Great, I have it.” Aku berjalan keluar dari bilik tersebut. It feels kind of silly, tapi aku masih cuba membuka pintu untuk keluar. Hahaha. Walaupun aku dah menjangkakan yang tempat ini akan berbau seperti ini, but, that pungent, crisp smell of Dettol still had me taken aback. I wonder if I had my cigarette here anyone would notice. But again, maybe not.

Lampu jalan raya di hadapan bus stand sudahpun menyala. Kenderaan masih lagi memenuhi jalan raya. Balik kerja kot. Kerja? What day is it today? I can’t remember. Aku duduk sambil menyalakan rokok, ada beberapa orang lain yang turut duduk di sini, menunggu bas gamaknya. Yer lah, dah bus stand, takkan nak tunggu KTM pula kan. Berkepul-kepul asap keluar dari lubang hidung ku. But hey, it seems nobody cares.

I wonder what’s going on. I have no idea what day is it today. I wonder why I’m here at this hour. I wonder what could this actually means. And the worse part, I wonder why, why I have this feeling. You know, that uneasiness feeling when you felt something amiss and yet you can’t point a finger to what.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Sedang aku perlahan menghabiskan rokok ke tiga ku, tiba-tiba lamunan terganggu dek deringan lagu dari entah mana. Kacau lah, orang nak mengelamun. Aku kembali kepada rokok di jari ku. Dan lagu tersebut masih lagi kedengaran. Aku menoleh ke kiri dan kanan, mencari-cari tuan empunya telefon yang berdering. Tiada siapa pun yang mengendahkan bunyi tersebut.

Aku memandang ke kiri ku. Seorang lelaki muda, ku rasakan dalam pertengahan 20’an. Tak ada pula ku lihat dia memakai headphone atau earbud sampai tak dengar lagu yang sedari tadi tak henti-henti ni.

“Dik, ooo adik. Handphone berbunyi tu.” Kataku sambil melambai-lambai tangan di hadapan muka nya. Still, tiada reaksi. Biar jer lah. Aku perlahan bangun dan bergerak pergi. Namun, tak sampai 5 langkah, lagu tersebut kembali berdering. Secara pantas aku menoleh kebelakang melihat kembali mereka yang masih lagi duduk di bus stand tadi. Still, tiada siapa yang memberikan reaksi. Now, this is getting annoying. But wait, it seems weird. Kedengaran bunyi tersebut sangat jelas, seperti datangnya dari sebelah aku. “Tak kan lah”. Detik hatiku. Aku menyeluk ke dalam poket kiri seluar ku dan aku mencapai sesuatu yang aku ingatkan tidak akan berfungsi. Handphone ku. “Private number” tertera di screen. Now, this is awkward. Aku menjawab panggilan tersebut. “Erm, hello.” Kataku pendek.

“Finally, angkat juga kan.”

“Herm, siapa ni?” Tanya ku sambil tidak mengendahkan remarks tersebut.

“Where are you? I’ve been looking for you for the last 10 minutes. I only been away for a while and you’re not in your room.”

“I’m at the bus stand.”

“Don’t move an inch.” Balasnya lantas panggilan tersebut di matikan.

That was rude. And weird. And interesting. Now, aku tak tahu samada mataku menunjukan satu silap mata, atau, otak ku semakin mereng akan apa yang telah aku lihat sepanjang hari. Tapi, trust me on this, out of the sudden, there was this young guy, standing right in front of me, staring right into my face. It was like, at one point there was nothing, and now, there’s him. Aku yang masih lagi terperanjat merenung kembali ke mukanya dan sekali sekala menoleh ke kiri dan kanan. Depan dan belakang.

“Now, that is an intriguing reaction.” Tiba-tiba lelaki tersebut berkata.

“You… you’re talking to me?” hanya itu yang keluar dari mulutku.

“Do I looked like I was talking to someone else?”

“You can see me, then?”

“Obviously. If I wasn’t then how was I supposed to be able to call you, and talked to you, and standing here in front of you.”

“But, how?”

“Let just say, I can. Now, tell me. What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean, here? I don’t even know why I’m here at this hour.”

“I mean, why are you not in your room? I left you a note to just stay put till I’m back.”

“Note. You cakap pasal note apa ni.”

“Note atas meja. Right next to the flower vase.”

“Owh. Tak perasan.”

“Herm… very well then. Now, tell me, what are you doing here?”

“I was, smoking.”

“Smoking? In this situation?”

“I… I don’t think I get you.”

“Never mind then. Let’s get back to your room.” Sejurus kemudian lelaki tersebut terus hilang dari pandangan mataku. Now, that’s spooky. Way spoooooookkkkkyyyyy. There wasn’t any white or black smoke left. Nor there was any gust of wind when he went, poof. Nothing. None. Is he a magician? Itu tak masuk akal. Angel? Devil? Ups. Memikirkan kemungkinan yang dia mungkin syaitan membuatkan seluruh badanku menggeletar. I wonder if it’s a good idea to go back to that room, if he is indeed a devil. Aku mula berjalan ke arah berlawanan dari situ, perlahan-lahan aku berlari tak tahu ke mana. Setelah hampir 100 meter dari tempat tadi, aku berhenti. I think I’m safe from that devil. Tiba-tiba bahu ku di cuit dari belakang.

“What are you doing?” kedengaran suara lelaki tadi. Dia yang berdiri di belakang hanya tersengih, somehow I felt like being toyed, and, rasa nak sepak jer.

“I said, let’s get back to your room, and why are you running away?” katanya lagi.

“I must be mad.”

“You do act like one, at times.”

“Are you, …. the devil?” tanya ku.

“Oy. Do I looked like one?”

“How the hell should I know how does the devil looked like.”

“Hahaha. Betul juga tu.”

“Then, an angel?”

“Awwww. That’s the nicest complement I’ve ever had.”

“So, you are, an angel then?”

“No.” jawab lelaki itu pendek sambil tersenyum.

“Then, you just, poofed. Hilang. Tak ada angin. Asap apa. You can’t be a wizard.”

“Don’t you think that you watched too much movie?”

“What?

“Never mind then. Now, tell me, why did you run?”

“Because… you’re spooky.”

“Maksud aku, kenapa kau berlari? Kenapa tak, poof?

“I’m not a wizard.”

“And that doesn’t mean that you can’t.”

“Wait, I can?”

“Of course you could, you dufus. Don’t you know?”

How the hell should I know?!! There’s no fucking guidebook on living this life.”

“That’s true. Never mind then. Now, hold my hand.”

Aku hanya menurut, seketika kemudian, poof. We’re back to the previous room. He didn’t say a word after that for a while. He was just looking away through the window. As if, he was waiting for something to happened. “What are we doing?” tanya ku. Dia tidak menjawab. Pandangan matanya masih lagi tertumpu ke luar jendela. “Waiting.” Balasnya pendek.

I wonder who is he, on how he’s able to see and talk to me. Not to mentioned with his ability. And, what is he doing here, in this room, all three of us. It doesn’t take long before this waiting game comes to a halt, apabila, tiba-tiba, pintu bilik di buka perlahan, dan masuk seorang lelaki. Dia kelihatan sedikit kurus, dan penat. Mungkin kerana hari yang agak panjang bagi dia. Perlahan dia meletakan beg bimbit yang dibawa bersama di atas meja. Lantas jambangan bunga calla lily di dalam pasu tersebut di tukar dengan sejambak yang baru dan segar. Kemudian dia menghidupkan ipod yang telah di docked kan di atas meja. Perlahan, suatu lagu yang tidak bisa ku takrifkan. Buat seketika lelaki itu hanya duduk terdiam memegang tangan lelaki yang berbaring tersebut. Hanya lagu tersebut yang memecah keheningan. Sehingga tiba-tiba, lelaki/the devil tadi menyanyikan sesuatu mengikuti lagu tersebut.

“Combien de farces, combien de farques
Combien de traces, combien de masques
Avons-nous laisse’ la’-bas?

Poser les armes
Trouver le calme dans ce vacarme
Avant que je ne m’y noie”

Aku melihat ke mukanya, dia masih lagi memandang keluar, tidak berkelip buat seketika, namun, riak wajahnya sedikit berubah sementelah kehadiran lelaki tersebut di  bilik ini.

“What was that?”

“le chant de sirens”

“Get well soon, and wake up. We’ll go bungee jumping, watch Star Wars together, having Belgian waffle for breakfast, dye our hair to ashes grey and many more. I’ll be waiting. I’ll wait for the time when we’re finally going to Amsterdam. Don’t worry, I’m not mad when you stood me up. I understand.” Sejurus kemudian dia mengucup perlahan dahi lelaki yang terbaring itu lantas beransur meninggalkan kami bertiga di dalam bilik ini. I don’t know why, but I was hoping that he would stay for a little while. But perhaps, it’s hard for him. That face. How I wished that I could see his smile.

“We need to talk.” Kataku memecah kebuntuan.

“That’s a good idea. Now, tell me, what do you want to talk about?”

“No, I’ll ask, and you will answer me.”

“Fair enough. Ask.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m neither an angel nor a devil. I neither exist nor have I perished.”

“What do you mean by that? A riddle?”

“That is for you to find out, for I could not say a word about my existence to you even if I want to. All I could say, take your time, and think. Then you’ll know who am I.”

“What’s your name?” tanyaku lagi.

“Al”

“Al?”

“Al”

“Why are you here? Why are we here? Is this a dream?”

“Because we’re in between 6 and 7. And no, this is not a dream. It’s the present.”

“Owh.” Balasku pendek. “And were you here to help me with it?” tanyaku lagi.

“I’m not.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because there is something that I need to do.” Dan belum sempat aku bertanyakan apa yang perlu di lakukan oleh Al, he said, “Don’t. Don’t ask me that question.”

“What’s going on here?” tanyaku kepada Al.

“Perhaps we should take things one at a time.”

“Who’s the guy with the lily?”

“He’s Naim. Khairunnaim.”

“And who is he?”

“A lover, yet a friend.”

“Of whom? Yours? Him?” Tanyaku sambil menunjukan kepada lelaki yang di atas katil tersebut.

Al hanya tersenyum. Tidak memberikan sebarang jawapan.

“So what about now?”

“Ask me those questions. Those questions that you’ve been wanting to ask.”

“I don’t know whether I want to know the answer.”

“True. You don’t need to know. But, would that helps?” balas Al, sinis.

“Au gre’ des saisons, des Photomatons,
Je m’abandonne a’ ces lueurs d’autrefois,
Au gre’ des saisons, des decisions,
Je m’abandonne” nyanyiku.

“So, you remember.” Kata Al.

“Only that song.” Kami terdiam seketika. Al kemudian memandangku. Tiada kata yang di ucapkan. Aku mengeluarkan sebatang rokok dan menyalakanya. Ku sedut sedalam yang mungkin, sebelum perlahan ku hembuskan ke udara. “He... that man on that bed, that man with the name Zahrain, that’s me. And I’m, him. Right?”

And Al simply answered, “Yes”

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