Dia - Empat Puluh Enam

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mpat PuluhEnam

“Adek, abang datang bawa dinner ni.”

“Adek, where are you?”

“I’m here in the toilet. Give me a sec....” belum sempat aku menghabiskan ayatku, badanku secara refleks menghadap mangkuk tandas dan sekali lagi memuntahkan cecair putih jernih bercampur air liur. Aku yang sudah beberapa kali muntah untuk hari ini sudah tidak berdaya lagi untuk bertahan. Dan, tiada apa lagi mampu di keluarkan dari perutku yang bergelodak seakan-akan lautan di badai ribut yang mengganas. Cuma air liur sahaja yang keluar, dan setiap kali, legaku hanya seketika. Namun tiada apa yang boleh aku lakukan untuk menghentikan semua ini.

“Are you okay? What happened?” tanya abang Kamahl lagi di balik pintu bilik air.

“Not feeling that well, i’m just throwing up.” Balasku pendek setelah keluar dari bilik air.

“You doesn’t look well at all, you’re pale. Let’s go to the hospital.”

“I don’t want too. I am sick of hospital for now. I just need a good rest.”

“Adek, you are not well. Come.”

“Please abang, I’ll be fine in time.”

“Sigh.”

“Ni dah berapa hari dah muntah-muntah ni?”

“Few days.”

“Few days?! Tapi langsung tak bagitahu abang pun?”

“It’s getting better lah abang. It’s not as frequent as the first day pun. Over time it will stop lah.”

“Yer lah, tapi kenapa tak bagitahu abang?”

“Please abang, I just need some rest.”

“Ok ok. Pergi baring. Abang ke dapur sekejap.”

Abang Kamahl kemudian beredar ke dapur, sementara aku hanya duduk bersandar di kepala katil. Seketika kemudian abang Kamahl kembali membawa tray berisi makanan yang di bawanya tadi dan satu botol 100Plus sejuk dari peti ais ku. Dia lalu duduk di sebelahku di katil, dan tray tersebut di letakan di atas meja sisi. Perlahan-lahan nasi goreng yang terhidang di suapkan abang Kamahl. Aku hanya mengunyah perlahan. Tiada sebarang kata yang di ungkapkan kami berdua. Namun, tak sampai ke suapan ke 6, aku menolak tangan abang Kamahl lantas berkejar kembali ke tandas, lalu semua nasi goreng yang sempat kujamah itu keluar kembali. Kurasakan tangan abang Kamahl perlahan-lahan mengusap lembut belakang badanku. Setelah seketika, aku mencuci mulut lalu kembali ke katil. Abang Kamahal meminta ku untuk minum sedikit 100%, untuk mengelakan aku dari terhidrasi katanya.

Kemudian aku meminta abang Kamahl untuk baring di sebelahku. Dia hanya menuruti permintaanku. Lalu aku baring di atas dada abang Kamahl, seperti yang selalu aku lakukan dahulu.

“Dah lama adek tak baring macam ni dengan abang.”

“Yeah. I miss those good times when you were always right in front of me. The time when we talked about everything, about your day, about everything. I miss the time when you always have that smile on your face.”

Aku hanya terdiam.

“I miss the little adek I had back then. I know, you are finally back on your feet. Yeah, you are much better now compared to the time when Khai left us all. And I know that you are trying so hard to be happy, but, I just can’t help to notice, that you have changed. Somehow, the smile that you have right now, the smile that you gave to everyone, is nothing more than to make us not to worry about you. I have known you for so long. I missed the time when you really smile from your heart. And I know, somehow, there is a wall between us that doesn’t exists previously. I wished I was wrong, and I hope that you can talk to me, just like before.”

“I’m ok, abang.”

“Are you? Because if you were, what’s with these changes?”

“I’m just, I don’t want to be a burden to you anymore.”

“I never thought that you would be that stupid. Look at me.”

Aku tidak mengendahkan permintaan abang Kamahl tersebut.

Kemudian abang Kamahl perlahan bangun sambil mengalihkan kepala aku yang masih berada di kepalanya. Dia duduk di kepala katil, bersandar, lalu memegang daguku perlahan, dan menolehkan mukaku kepadanya. “Now, tell me right into my eyes, are you ok.”

“Do you still feel sad about Khai?”

“You knew that I would be lying if I told you I didn’t. But, I have accepted all that. Yeah, I miss him. And I always have him in my mind every time. But, I have accepted it. I know that he is in a better place.”

“Then do tell me. Why do you have to change? Why do you think that you would ever be a burden to me, to Joe and everyone else? They have been talking to me. They realized it too, that you changed.”

“I don’t have the answer for that. I just feel it that way. I mean, I wanted to be strong again, I wanted to be able to stand on my own feet.”

“Seriously, I get it. But what makes you think that you have to do it alone?”

“Because it is my fucking life!”

“Adek, I know it is your life. But remember, you are not alone in this world. You were never alone, and will never be.”

“Can’t you please let me be? And why are even talking about this anyway?”

“Let you be?? Seriously? That’s the thing that you have in your mind? Are you fucking kidding me? Then why didn’t you say that straight to my face back when we just getting to know each other? Before I started to care for you like my own little brother? Why now? Tell me....”

“Abang, please.”

“Owh, and you are calling me abang again? Does that word meant anything to you? Or was it that you’re sick of me? If it is, then you can stop calling me that.”

“What?!! Are you leaving me?” kurasakan mataku sedikit basah mendengar kata-kata abang Kamahl itu.

Abang Kamahl kemudian perlahan mengambil kedua tanganku, sebelum dia mengucupnya perlahan. “No sweetheart. I will never leave you alone even if you made me. I care so much about you. I always do. But, it is you, you are the one who left. You walked away, you walked away from my life, you walked away from Joe’s life, you walked away from everyone’s life. And most importantly, you walked away from your own self. You were the one who did that. You did it when you created a wall among us. You did it when you feel the needs to face everything alone. It is not wrong, to be independent, but, you’re being zealous about it. And it hurts so much. It really does.”

Abang Kamahl kemudian mengusap perlahan rambutku. Tiada kata yang mampu aku luahkan. Selama ini, niatku hanyalah untuk melindungi mereka yang aku sayangi dari berasa kecewa dan terluka. Namun, aku silap. Rupa-rupanya, dalam diam, mereka telah pun terluka, dan aku lah yang melukan hati mereka dengan tindakan aku sendiri.

“I am sorry. I was being selfish. I am sorry abang.”

“You are forgiven. Apologize to everyone too. They are worried sick.”

“I will. Thanks abang.” Lantas aku menarik tangan abang Kamahl perlahan kebawah membuatkan abang Kamahl membongkok seketika, dan pipi kirinya ku cium.

“Pipi kiri jer?” Tanya abang Kamahl?.

“Hehehehe.” Ketawaku perlahan sebelum mencium pipi kanan abang Kamahl pula.

“Pipi jer? Bibir abang tak cium?”

“Eeeeeeee, gatal la abang ni. Cubit kang.”

“Ala, lama adek tak cium abang. Abang minta sedikit pun nak cubit.” Ngomel abang Kamahl lagi.

“Abang ni kan, ada-ada sahaja lah.”

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Love, we're going home now,
Where the vines clamber over the trellis:
Even before you, the summer will arrive,
On its honeysuckle feet, in your bedroom.

Our nomadic kisses wandered over all the world:
Armenia, dollop of disinterred honey:
Ceylon, green dove: and the YangTse with its old
Old patience, dividing the day from the night.

And now, dearest, we return, across the crackling sea
Like two blind birds to their wall,
To their nest in a distant spring:

Because love cannot always fly without resting,
Our lives return to the wall, to the rocks of the sea:
Our kisses head back home where they belong. 

-Pablo Neruda-

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"Adek, what do you want to have for dinner?"

"Can we go out and have something? I don't think I have anything much in the fridge." Jawabku yang sedang menggunakan hair dryer untuk mengeringkan rambutku di dalam bilik air. 

"Okay with me." 

"Can we go to Publika? Maybe we can invite Joe and the rest too." Cadangku lagi.

"Sure. Now hurry up, you have been in the toilet for quite sometime. I need to bath too, in case you've forgotten."

"Two minutes."

"Hurry up lah. I can smell my own armpits dah ni."

"Eeeee, abang ni. Itu pun nak bagitahu kan."

"Yer la, dah adek lambat sangat. Abang pekum muka adek kat ketiak abang karang."

"Hahahaha. Ok, dah. Ur turn." Balas ku sewaktu keluar dari bilik air. Kemudian aku mendapatkan telefonku lantas nombor Joe ku dail dan ku setkan ke speaker phone lantas aku bergerak ke arah almari baju ku yang bertentangan dengan katilku. "Herm. What should I wear tonight?" ngomelku kepada diri sendiri. 

"Hey babe. What's up?" Kedengaran suara Joe melalui speaker phone.

"Hey Joe. Have you had your dinner? Abang Kamahl and I are about to head to Publika for some food."

"Sure. See you in an hour?"

"Yup. Aaah, can you also ask Vincent and Hisyam whether they wanna come along too? Haven't catch-up with you guys for a long time."

"Sure. Wait, why can't you call them directly?"

"Ala, call jer lah."

"Ok ok. See you in an hour."

Aku membelek-belek satu persatu baju yang tergantung, "This, maybe?" Aku mencampakan baju tersebut di atas katil. Aku kembali menghalakan tumpuanku ke almari. "This, this ..... and that..." Now, what about pants?" Aku mengeluarkan sehelai denim dan sehelai seluar pendek untuk di padankan dengan baju-baju yang aku keluarkan sebentar tadi.  

"What are you doing?" Tiba-tiba kedengaran suara abang Kamahl, dia yang hanya bertuala dan sedang mengeringkan rambutnya dengan sehelai lagi tuala berdiri lebih kurang 3 meter dari ku.

"Getting dressed of course."

"Uh uh. Right. I was in the shower for quite sometime and you are still wearing your birthday suit?"

"Well..... I am deciding what to wear. What do you think about this?" tanya ku sambil membentangkan pilihanku di atas katil supaya abang Kamahl boleh melihat dengan lebih jelas. 

"What about that long-sleeve polo shirt?"

"This one? Urgh, don't like it." Balasku. 

"Then why did you pick it?"

"Hehehe."

"That white polo looks nice."

"I think so too, then, I'll pick this denim too. Now hurry up abang, we're meeting them in an hour." 

"Abang siap cepat jer, adek tu ha yang lambat sangat. Hehehehe."

Aku mengenakan cotton polo shirt berwana putih dan denim skinny fit dari Burberry manakala untuk kasut aku memadankan sepasang Byron Suede Boot berwarna kelabu cerah. Abang Kamahl tampak selesa mengenakan sehelai body fit kemeja lengan panjang hitan dari Armani dan sehelai jeans berwarna khaki dari Massimo Dutti lengkap bersama sepasang sneakers dari Bally. Kami kemudian bergerak ke Publika dengan abang Kamahl memandu keretanya. 

Tampaknya perjalan kami agak lancar dengan kenderaan bergerak pantas di kedua-dua arah. Namun setibanya kami di sekitar Bukit Tunku, jalan sedikit sesak. Tiba-tiba handphone di tanganku berbunyi, terpapar nama Joe di skrin. 

"Babe, I dah dekat parking dah ni. Hisyam dengan Vincent pun dengan I ni." 

"Owh, I dengan abang Kamahl ni still on the way ni. Jalan jem dekat Bukit Tunku. Dalam 15 minit lagi sampai lebih kurang."

"Ok. You nak jumpa terus dekat restoran ke apa?"

"Boleh juga. Can you get a table for 5 of us?"

"Ok. See you in a while."

Seketika kemudian Joe menghantar whatsapp memberitahu mereka berada di Silver Spoon Trattoria di level G2. 

"So, how are you? Haven't seen for a while." Kata Vincent membuka bicara setelah kami selesai order makanan. 

"Just the same I guess. Am doing ok."

"Herm." tiba-tiba abang Kamahl mengeluh. 

"Well, a bit ok. And, I'm sorry. I was selfish, I guess."

"No worries lah. Kitorang faham how do you feel." balas Joe sambil menggosok perlahan lengan kiri ku."

"Thanks. So what about you guys?" tanyaku kembali. 

"Just the same I would say. Busy with work." Balas Vincent pula. 

"Owh ya, how are you feeling now? You know, that, thing." Tanya Hisyam kepadaku. 

"You know, you can just say the word HIV." 

"I'm sorry, just that we never talked about it before. So I don't know how should I phrase it."

"That's ok. Well, I'm ok. In fact, I've just started my meds."

"Really? When? Why didn't you tell me about it?" tanya abang Kamahl pula.

"Erm, today is my second day, actually." Balas ku lagi

"And how is everything so far?" giliran Vincent pula bertanya.

"It was hell, if I can say. He was throwing up so many times and had a nightmare. I myself was having a hard time taking care of him last night. At one time, he was shouting in his sleep, then he cried, and at times he talked some gibberish things. And now I know what is causing it." Kata abang Kamahl pula.

"Wow, that doesn't sounds great."

"It is. The side effect was terrible. But, my doc said it will subside over time and completely go off over time." Jawabku pula. 

"I do hope so. But, do let us know if anything happen. Don't keep it to yourself all the time." Tambah abang Kamahl lagi sambil mencubit lembut pipiku. 

"Ok abang."

"Will you be ok living on your own?" Tanya Joe.

"I should be fine, don't worry. I'll call if anything."

"You are not going to stay at your place on your own. Until you're 100% better, you are staying with me. No arguing about it. I won't let you be on your own."