Dia - Lapan Belas

L

apan Belas

“You tak nak beli aper-aper ker?” tanya Joe melihatkan aku yang sedari tadi membelek-belek pakaian yang tergantung di situ.

“Erm, I tak sure lagi aper nak beli. Tengok la dulu macam mana, kalau ader yang berkenan ker. You kater nak beli jacket baru, nie I tengok dari tadi asyik belek-belek t-shirt jer.”

“Owh, memang la nak cari jacket baru. But I dah aim dah satu jacket Lacoste, smart gak. So I amik yang tue, then cari la 2 3 helai baju ke aper ker.”

“Ook. I think this one looks nice.” Kataku kepada Joe akan sehelai kemeja lengan panjang rona hitam berjalur fuchsia halus, berpotongan body-fit.

“Yup, looks nice, but, satu theme jer dengan baju dalam wardrobe you I tengok. Asyik-asyik kemeja. Beli la t-shirt ke, t-shirt you pun I tengok kurang kan.”

“Hehehe, dah I suka pakai kemeja, nak wat cam ne. Nampak kemas sikit per.”

“Still, setau I, half of your clothes are kemeja, suku t-shirt, suku seluar. So, tak reti-reti nak wat wardrobe makeover?”

“Banyak la. Macam you selalu je belek kan wardrobe I, kan.”

“Nah, try this.” Kata Joe sambil menghulurkan sehelai t-shirt rona biru gelap kepadaku.

“Nice jugak.” Setelah mencuba kedua-dua baju tersebut di fitting room, aku kembali kepada Joe yang masih lagi membelek-belek pakaian di situ. Sementara menunggu Joe, aku beralih ke ruangan seluar dalam, lalu aku turut mengambil beberapa helai seluar dalam baru untukku.

“Dah?” tiba-tiba Joe muncul di tepi bersama beberapa helai pakaian di tangannya.

“Jom.” Setelah membayar untuk barangan yang di pilih, kami bergerak keluar dari Paul Smith. Kami kemudian ke Lacoste berdekatan untuk Joe membeli jacket yang telah di ushanya. Smart juga kulihat jacket yang di beli oleh Joe. Setelah selesai, aku dan Joe bergerak untuk makan malam. Namun sedang kami berjalan, mataku tiba-tiba terhenti pada suatu jam yang dipamerkan di dalam butik Esprit.

“Babe, nice tak jam nie?” tanyaku kepada Joe.

“Memang la nice. Tengok la harga, dekat RM800 tue.”

“Tapi smart aaa, I suka. Design dia, warna dia. Perfect.”

“You nak beli ker? Jap, bukan last few months you dah beli jam Fossil baru ker?”

“Jam Fossil tue jam I, nie I nak belikan untuk Khai.” Terangku.

“Aaah. No wander la. Hehehehe. So, aper lagi, I think sesuai la gak dengan dia. Wah, belikan jam untuk bf, bertuah la dia. Sayang jugak eeh you dekat Khai.”

“Hello. Mesti la sayang. Kalau I tak sayang, sapa lagi nak sayangkan dia? Lagi satu, kitorang tak couple lagi, so dia bukan bf I, buah hati I jer. Hehehe.” Aku dan Joe kemudian masuk ke dalam lalu di sapa oleh seorang pekerja di situ.

“Hye, can I take a look at this?” kata ku sambil menunjukkan jam yang ku minati itu kepadanya. Pekerja tersebut pada mulanya hanya memandang aku atas dan bawah, memberikan pandangan mata yang merasakan aku tidak mampu untuk membeli barangan disitu. Aku yang paham akan pandangan itu, sekali lagi bertanyakan perkara yang sama, kali ini menunjukkan jam tersebut dengan tangan kiri ku yang memegang paper bag dari Paul Smith tadi. “Huh, I bet you won’t even have the money to buy an underwear from Paul Smith.” Detik hatiku. Pekerja itu kemudian membuka display tersebut dengan muka toya.

Dia membiarkan aku membelek-belek jam tersebut dengan lebih dekat. Black-Skeleton Chronograph Series, Metal-Strap, Black-metallic finishing, with 15 ATM water-resistant. Setelah berpuas hati dengan pilihanku, aku membuat keputusan untuk membelinya.

“Cash or credit card, sir?” tanya pekerja terbabit.

“Credit card, please.” Kataku sambil menghulurkan credit card Maybank ku. Aku jarang menggunakan credit card kecuali untuk pembelian yang melebihi RM500.00. Aku selalunya tidak membawa wang tunai dalam jumlah yang besar. Entah bila kali terakhir aku menggunakan card credit, mungkin beberapa bulan lepas kot. Card ini diberikan oleh suami mamaku kepadaku supaya aku bebas untuk berbelanja, tanpa perlu meminta wang kepadanya.

“Erm, I’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined.” Tiba-tiba pekerja itu bersuara lagi, dengan senyuman di wajahnya.

“What? Can you try again?” tanyaku.

“Declined.” Jawabnya pendek sekali lagi. Sudah, tak pernah-pernah kena declined nie, aku lalu memberikan satu lagi card creditku.

“Again, declined.” And I swear that the worker grin till his ear. Fuck! Aper hal pulak nie. Malu jer. Herm.

“Do you accept debit card?” tanyaku.

“Pardon?”

“Debit card.” Kataku lagi.

“Yes, we do.”

“Then use this.” Aku menghulurkan card debit Maybank ku. Nasib baik dorang terima dan baki dalam akaun Maybank aku masih banyak. Sejurus itu, air muka riak pekerja itu berubah, mungkin sedikit bengang kerana niatnya untuk memalukan aku tidak berjaya. Padan muka.

“Erk, what happened?” tanya Joe setelah kami bergerak keluar sejurus aku membayar untuk jam tersebut.

“Entah, card I kene declined. 2 2. Nasib dorang terima debit card.”

“Declined? Reach limit ke aper? Limit berapa?”

“Tak mungkin la kot. I jarang pakai credit card. Lagipun kalau tak silap, limit I, RM10,000.00. and I’m sure takda balance aper-aper, sebab selalunya setiap hujung bulan orang tua tue akan settlekan. Herm. Jom lah makan. I dah lapar nie.”

“Jom.”

Kami kemudian beredar ke sebuah restaurant. Setelah order di ambil, aku menghubungi mama, bertanyakan perihal card creditku.

“Kamu kalau call, boleh tak kalau tak cakap pasal duit? Nie tak, dah la setahun sekali nak call pun susah, dah tue, call pun pasal duit.” Balas mama selepas aku bertanya.

“Well, I’ve learnt from you. Mama yang ajar kan. Remember?” balasku.

“Kamu jangan nak kurang ajar dengan mama.”

“Tolong la. Mama memang tak ajar pun. Whatever, just pasal credit card tue, kenapa? What happened?”

“He’s cancel both of your credit card, and he’s also put a stop to your monthly allowance. He wanted for you to feel the consequences of not coming back when he’s sick. And don’t think that I’ll give a dime for you.”

“Huh. Please. Do you think I’m stupid? He’s doing that not because of me not coming back, but because I’ve got the inheritance, right?”

Tiada jawapan.

“Now you’ve fall silent. It’s true, right? Just like I thought. No wander you’re not mad with me when I didn’t apply for any scholarship or loan. You’re just the same with him.” Kataku lagi lalu meletakkan telefon.

“Babe?” Joe.

“Yes, sorry for you to hear that. Anyway, since that I’ve got the inheritance, they decided to cut off my allowance, credit card and everything.”

“Wouh. That’s bad.”

“Well, it’s expected. They said it will be a lesson for me for not coming back when he’s sick. But we all know that that is a fucking lie.”

“You know, I always thought that you have some sort of problem with your family. But I don’t know that it’s this bad.”

“This is not bad, for me la. I’ve had something far worst happened to me.”

“What happened, actually? What really changed?”

“If we’re to talk about what really changed, then I have no answer for that. Because, as much as I’m concern, nothing much changed. Well apart from the way I take all this la. You know, me myself till right now, I’m not so sure what really happened. Just that, when I was a kid, I noticed that I wasn’t treated the same as they treated my sister and brother. Mom and her husband were always, angry, cold, and always within certain distance. But, still at that time, I thought maybe they don’t want to spoil me as the youngest child, maybe because of it. However, as I grew up, they became, colder and their expectation grew till it reach somewhere it’s almost impossible for me. I still remember growing up. Despite that that time my sister and brother were home, I always end up alone. Mom and dad always busy with work. And although being a primary schooler, I’m used to stay with either my mom or my dad. Although that I have a mother, father, brother and sister, I’m used to stay all alone and take care of myself.

When I got into boarding school during my secondary schooler, our relationship became more and more wide apart. We rarely talk. I only back home during the long holiday despite that at that time, home and hostel are only one hour apart. It’s because no one’s home, so there’s no point on coming back. So, most of the weekend I just stay put, lucky me that I’m closed to abang Kamahl and he’s rarely back too. So I just spend the weekend with him.

During that time, whenever I call home, I wanted to talk about everything, you know. Like what I have been doing, how my studies goes, how things with friends, how I wanted mom to come and bring something that I love, how I miss my mum’s talapia masak merah, how’s sister and brother and all. But, but I can’t, they won’t just listen. All that matters for them was how am I doing with studies, whether I have enough money and things like that. And whenever I asked them to come over, to no avail, they’ll just say they’re busy.

That is how it goes for the whole 3 years. At that point, I still trying to deny everything that’s happening. I try to soothed myself by saying they’re just busy with work and all. But that didn’t answered the question why dad won’t look at at me dearly. I still remember one night, we had a dinner together. All of us, when one of my dad’s boss came. He was kinda surprised to see that there are 3 of us, I mean, my siblings. He said the thought that my dad only has a daughter and a son. My dad didn’t introduce me at all. He just keep mum on me. Then PMR came. Well, it’s not that I’m blaming the fact that during those 2 papers, I’m not feeling well. But still, maybe that affected me.

Malay language and islamic studies. Both papers on the same day. And I was having a high fever. I told my mum about it. Well, nothing much happened out of it. Not that I’m expected any. Then, when the result come out, I didn’t score straight A’s. 2 B’s both malay language and islamic studies. Yes, I was devastated at that time. Partly of course due to the fact I didn’t scored well, and big part of it because the way my mother reacted.

She pissed off, that’s expected. But, I never thought that she’ll piss off that badly. At that time, she was there, with my brother, chatting with other parents of my classmates. I showed her the slip, she take a look on it, and she didn’t impressed at all. All that she said, “Aku kecewa dengan kau.” That’s it. I remember that whole verse very well. And after that she just throw away my result, and walk away. My brother just flashed a smug and wide grin. I was, sad, I was, devastated, and I was angry at that time. Everyone just look at us, as if looking into a soap-opera filming. Then after that, we head to my grand’s place. Her dissapointment didn’t stop at my school. In fact, she keep on saying how she was dissapointed on me to everyone. I just stay in the room, crying.

I didn’t talk to anyone after that. No one. Then, a week before my form 4 year started, I’ve been informed that they have transfered me from boarding school to somewhere else. They said that, since mom and dad no longer stay under the same roof, I need to stay with mom. It’s like a bomb, dropped to my world. I’ll never meet my friends anymore. And they don’t even know about it too. It happened without my acknowledgement, and that’s it. I don’t have a say on it too.

For the next 2 years, form 4 and form 5 were a living hell for me. Days and nights were filled with study. After school, I had tuition till the evening. And then at night, prep at school. Not that I wanted to spend my whole time studying, just that I don’t want to be home. No one at all. I learnt that although there’s only me and mom, I won’t be seeing her, as she’s busy with work. So, as an escape plan from that loneliness and sorrow, I just can’t stay put at home. That’s why I joined all those tuition, prep class and all.

For the whole 2 years, we didn’t see and talk to each other at all. Lunch, dinner and all, I don’t have to worry about it. She just left the money on the table for me. She’s out for work till evening, and when she got home, she just stay put till she sleep early. As for me, study and all, so we didn’t see each other although we were staying together under the same roof. 2 years. Like that. The only time when I had the chance to see her was during hari raya. Sometimes I’ll call her at her office, asking her to cooked something. But still, the answer was she’s so tired with work.

That was the time when I finally surrender. I finally come to a conclusion that I have accept the fact. The fact that I have to stop comforting myself. I have to stop dreaming and hoping, because there’s no hope at all. Things won’t changed. Nothing will changed. The family I have was just a so-called family. We’re are only bonded through blood, but not by heart.”

“What about your dad?” tanya Joe.

“He, he’s cold. He never talked to me, literally. Somehow, he has no qualm of not admitting me as his son in front of others. But still, during the few years, I try to console myself, try to be the very best, try to do everything. But, nothing comes up. Then the time comes when he officially disowned me. Well, twice on that account, actually.”

“Did something happened?”

“Not that I know. But perhaps because that he knew I know something. Maybe that’s why.”

“Something?”

“He cheated on her.” Balasku pendek.

“Owh.”

“There are too many things happened. And too many questions left unanswered. But now, I’ve stop looking for the answers. I don’t care anymore.”

“She knows?”

“Don’t think she knows. But I’m sure that he knows I’m all aware of his affair. Maybe that’s the reason behind all his behaviour.”

“I, I don’t know what am I suppose to say. I mean, for my family, I love them and all. And, at the same time, I want you to be happy too. But, I guess, maybe you can be happy without them. Still, you have me, Vincent and others. Abang Kamahl too. And now, you have Khai, aite.”

“Yeah.” Balasku lagi. Aku tersenyum sendirian mendengarkan nama Khai.

“Now you’re smiling, when I call his name. Hahaha. Now that you’re with him, I won’t get another chance having you for myself. Hahaha.”

“Hahahaha. Joe, you had your chances with me. And you had a great time too, aite. So, stop whining.”

“Hye, I’m not whining la, just I’m gonna miss all the fun we had together.”

“We still can have fun together what, just not that kind of fun.”

“Hahahahaha. Yeah. Karaoke, and stuff. But no more deep throat karaoke.” Balas Joe lagi.

“Dah dah dah. Jangan nak menggatal. You nie Joe.”

“Yer la, sebab lepas nie karaoke suara dalam dengan Khai kan. Hahahaha.”

“Sudah. Sengal la you nie. Hahaha, kitorang tak pernah buat aper-aper pun.”

“Tak percaya. Takkan la you tak pernah buat apa-apa dengan dia? Second base at least mesti pernah kan.”

“Pandai-pandai je kan you berspekulasi. Tak la, I tak pernah buat apa-apa dengan dia. Paling habis pun kiss jer. Serious.”

“What took you so long? This is so not you.”

“Khai, he. He is, somehow special. I don’t mind taking my time, because, he’s not like any other guys that I’ve known. Plus, we’re not together yet.”

“So, bila jer?”

“Bila aper?” tanyaku.

“Nak declare la.”

“Hahahaha. You nie, let the time decides la. Bila tiba masa, then we’ll be together, that’s for sure.”

“You really like him, huh?” tanya Joe sambil tersengih.

“Perlu tanyer lagi ker? Dah tentu-tentu I like him so much. Lol.”

“2 minggu lagi start exam week, lepas tue semester break. Aper plan?”

“Entah, I pun tak da plan aper-aper lagi. You?”

“I, nak cari bf la, nak ganti tempat you. Hahahaha.” Seloroh Joe lagi.

“Sengal!”

“Hahaha. Gurau je la. I tak de plan sangat pun. Tengok la nanti aper-aper.” Kata Joe.

“Per-per gtau la, maner tau kita boley kuar lepak-lepak ker aper ker.”

“Tue for sure la babe. Takut you je la nanti takde masa, berkepit dengan Khai jer.”

“Aik, jeles ker? Macam jeles jer bunyi.”

“Takde maknanye. Per-per I sms je la nanti kalau nak ajak lepak skali. Dah dah, jom makan.”